The Season of Giving....

I thought that today I would write about the gifts that I gave all of the guys for Christmas before THEY wrote about them and how wonderful they were. I don't want them to steal my thunder, so heeeeeeeere we go...

As you all may know, we spend a lot of time cruising the mean streets of Texas in Run Run the Magic Bus. When you get 4 guys, 5 if Cliff or Scott are along, in an enclosed space for a long time, thinks can get...pleasantly odorous. So as we are about to undertake going on the road again, I decided I couldn't take much more of the butt exhaust of my fellow monkeydoods, so I bought the following gifts....

First, a box of charcoal-lined breathing masks...so everything just smells like charcoal. Which is not the greatest smell, but is generally way better than the inside of our van after a long ride.

Then I thought that maybe Run Run was getting tired of getting airbiscuited on, so I got some of these extra big odor-absorbing pads to tape onto her seats (using only the best duct tape available, of course)!

Then, the best present of ALL...personal Butt Deodorizing Pads!!!

I got the extra pad refills too....are these genius or what? Just use the patented charcoal deodorizer pad and adhesive thingie, and we can have odor-free "emissions"!!! And all will be happy in monkeyland once again.

And for the record...yes, these are REAL products. Just go to the Flat-D website and see for yourself! Think of what great stocking stuffers these would be for next Christmas/Hanukhah/Kwanzaa!

oh good god

Could your head get any fatter? I mean, come on, you already have a tough time walking through doorways with that inflated head of yours; luckily it's full of air most of the time, kinda like a beach ball, so we can push you through doorways. Let's clear some things up first....

1. "The sun being in my eyes?" Well, sure it was, with that chrome dome of yours reflecting sunlight like a highly-polished mirror. How many times did I ask you to quit standing right next to me with your head tilted at the perfect angle to reflect the sun's glare right into my eyes? Twerp.

2. So you're perfect, huh? I agree. A perfect jackass who got lucky when the Big Guy Upstairs himself interfered with our game not once, but twice. First on your Miracle-Ass Putt, and then when he saved you from further embarrassment by putting that light pole in the way of your crappy shot right after the Putt...you know, the shot that I think was headed for southern Canada instead of the green. Living proof that He takes pity on fools and small children.

3. I'm not sure where you think playing with myself more would help. But what WOULD help is you not standing next to me trying to put your hand in my pocket while I'm swinging, claiming that you're "just looking for some change so you can buy a soda".

Hey look, I found a picture of you and your golf outfit. I mean, how could I win with you wearing those? I was laughing too hard.

how soon you forget.....

As you may have heard through Chris' gloating blog, he finally beat me, for the first time EVER, at golf yesterday. Well, I gots only one thing to say....

"The sun shines on a dog's ass every once in a while".

Let me point out some key facts about yesterday's round:

1. He has never beaten me before, I have always kicked his sorry little ass before, and he is still way behind me in our Monkeyshyne World Series of Golf (Oz isn't allowed to play because he would win, and we don't want that, and Colin thinks golf is for sissy men, so it's really just the Keith and Chris World Series of Golf. Notice I put my name first before Chris, because I am a better golfer than him overall, plus I have a better ass, and lastly because I just felt like putting my name first).
2. On the hole after his God-felt-sorry-for-him Miracle Putt, he hits this horrible shot way off to the right of the green...and it hits this metal light pole and shoots 20 yards back towards the green. Arrrgh,
3. When I was too far away to do anything about it, he licked my putter handle, so whenever I putted, I just wanted to drop it as fast as I could, so I missed some easy ones due to his treachery.
4. Did I mention I had whipped his ass every time before?
5. If it wasn't for me giving you a putting tip, we would probably still be on the 4th hole, watching you 182-putt that par-4 for a sparkling 186. On one hole.

So go ahead and have your day in the sun. Just make sure you apply some SPF-40 to your head so you don't get burned.

Next time it's on. No mercy. I will put on my iPod on playing "Seek and Destroy" from Metallica on loop-play, and it'll be over before the end of the first hole, beeyotch.

drrrrooooooooool.............

Well kids, my first (in a long time) finals week is almost over....3 down, 1 more to go...thank god I didn't have to take the 5th one due to the fact that the prof hates finals (I plan on writing him in on the 2008 Presidential ballot for that alone). Last one is tomorrow, whereupon I will then sell all my books back that I can and go load up on Chili Cheese Fritos and Starbuck's, and after I chow down I'm heading to Silver City to drop the rest of whatever book money is left on a chesty stripper named "Chastity" who has a tattoo saying "Cowgirl Up" on the small of her back...she says she's working her way through med school, but when I asked her if I could play with her medulla oblongatta she slapped me. Doesn't she know who she's dealing with????

But I digress. My week, in a super-condensed nutshell version...

Monday: 5am (alarm clock going off)
Me: Drool
Physics final: #17. An X-ray tech weighing 70 kilograms absorbs a 14 Gray dose of cobalt-60 with a RBE of 0.70 over a period of 130 seconds. The half life of cobalt-60 is 2.38 years. A) What is the decay constant of cobalt-60? B) What is the Biologically Equivalent Dose the doctor received, in rads? C) What is the activity of the cobalt-60 in Becquerels?***
Me: (stabs pencil in eye)
*** some of this may actually make sense, physics-wise, but by this point I was more worried about the bleeding from my eye

Tuesday 5am (alarm going off again)
Me: Snnnrkkkdroool
Biomed Science Final #12: If a pacemaker falls in a forest and no one around is there to hear it, does it make a sound?
Me: What kind of f%^&-ed up question is that???
Biomed Final #13: Just kidding. If the pacemaker weighs .92 kilograms and falls from a height of 3.7 meters, will the kinetic energy of the pacemaker hitting the forest floor affect the pacemaker's electrical output?
Me: (gurgling)

Thursday 6am (alarm going off still after I have hit snooze button about 8 times)
Me: drool
History Final #42: What was the socio-economic impact of the Dred Scott Supreme Court Decision of 1856 upon a) free blacks in the North and b) the expansion of slavery into the Kansas and Nebraska Territories?
Me: (counting holes in the ceiling tiles)

You should sense a pattern here.

In all actuality, I think I have managed to do all right / guess out my ass pretty well, except for the physics final, it was insane-o. If you see me drinking heavily, it's probably because I'm having nightmares about some dead old guy's theory on quantum mechanics that I will never use nor need again in my life. Which is good, because I immediately forgot it upon exiting the room.

One more tomorrow....political science! Then done. Then drink time! Hopefully will see you all on the road at a bar near you!

this is your brain.....and this your brain on monkeyshyne

Wow, we racked up a $240 bar tab the other night...I knew I had socked away a few drinks before the show, I don't recall exactly what or how much of it. I think I at some point or another did a few Shiners, a shot of Crown, at least 3 Jaeger Bombs, some tequila along the way (I can't remember the circumstances of it exactly), switched to water while we were playing but then went right back to Shiner....we won't even talk about the near-seizures I had on stage while we were on, due to rotating flashing multi-colored stage lights flying around all over the place.

I kinda felt like this in the morning....


Even better was having to get up and go into work the next day, where I promptly had a 120lb couch that was standing on its end fall over on me, but due to my cat-like (even while hungover) reflexes, managed to avoid getting pancaked.

But anyway....had a blast Saturday night at Firewater, thanks to everyone who made it out! I didn't get to hang out with everyone as much as I wanted to, but I hope everyone had a great time!

i'm getting kinda tingly

That's because life as we know it is about to change this Saturday night...well, maybe that's a bit of an overstatement, but hey we are going to blow the roof off Firewater Saturday night, fo sho'. The CD release shows are always the best, everyone comes out, and some people drive crazy distances to come see us, and that just makes you feel good. For me, it's not in an ego way, but in a "wow these people dig us this much" way or a "the music says something to them to make them want to drive X miles to see us" way, which is badass.

I remember the first CD show I did with the 'shyne was for Potato Salad at the Curtain Club....March of '05...and it was one of those nights where it was freezing, raining, and windy...and yet 140ish people came out to Deep Ellum to see us and our now infamous picnic table tear it up. Well, the picnic table just kind of sat there, but it did look really badass. Not to mention it was the first show where I had played with monkeyshyne in front of more than about 20 people, and I think I peed down my leg from excitement, haha, but that's another story.

Anyhow, hope to see everyone that can make it on Saturday night....be there, or be an equilateral four-sided geometric shape! Ok, that was lame, but I'll leave it in.

Peace!

Damn you, Colin

Well, for some reason Colin decided to break the silence and tell everyone on the 'net about my background...you see, before I became a bass player extrordinaire and spork-wielding killing machine in the military, I came from a small but festive land called Sporkville. Its location is secret, kind of like the Land of Oz (not 'the Oz', but as in flying monkey and wicked witches Oz)....if you clink two shot glasses full of Jaeger together on a certain day when the stars are aligned and the moon is in Uranus (get it?), you get magically transported there. But I'm not telling which certain day, or we will suddenly be overcome by camera-wielding tourists, and we from Sporkville certainly don't want that.

But I digress...yes, I did go home for most of the last month to Sporkville, and much fun was had. I chased around flowered virgins, trying to deflower them (they like this, trust me), drank more Jaeger than you can possibly imagine...Jaeger actually used to be called "licorice schnapps in a green bottle", but stories leaked out of Sporkville (due to an undercover German reporter) about the mass quantities of now-Jaeger that I used to drink as a young lad, and they wrote about the "Jaeger Meister" and his amazing drinking feats during the annual Burro Fiesta, mistakenly assuming that the tasty drink was called 'Jaeger'....little did they know that the natives of Sporkville didn't call me that for my drinking ability..."jaeger meister" literally translated means "hunting master" and was a glorious reference to me and the aforementioned recently deflowered virgins :) But the company that made "licorice schnapps in a green bottle" thought the name was cool. So when you drink some Jaeger, now you know where the name came from.

Crap, I digressed again. Anyway, I have sobered up from my month long bender and will be in Temple (my former home for a coupla years) at Bum's with the guys, as well as Opus Flux (formerly Frolic) for an evening of drinking