Lower management unite!

TO: Chief Head Upper Management Provider
FROM: Humble ridiculously good-looking and talented slightly lower management
SUBJECT: Workplace grievances

Dear Shiny Head Sir,
In light of your temporary resignation which you promptly reneged on after you realized how wonderfully Monkeyshyne, Inc was running in your absence, we would like to remind you of the promises and improvements you promised to make upon your reinstation as Chief Head Upper Management Provider (also known as CHUMP) to us members of Handsome Upper Management Peoples (known as HUMP). We, the members of HUMP, would like to point out to CHUMP some of the promises you have yet to provide, as you have been busy watching "Karate Kid III" way too much, we think you may need an Ralph Macchio intervention, but that will be addressed in our next staff meeting.

Our list of grievances, good sir...
1. You said you would get Krispy Kreme Donuts (little flour-y chunks of heaven) for all practices and staff meetings....Racetrac "6 for a buck" day-olds are NOT the same, we would like to point out.

2. The "high quality adult/exotic entertainer pole to be installed in the practice space" (see clause 12.137 section A) was not supposed to be a 2x4 nailed into the floor and ceiling....that leads to splinters in uncomfortable places, and hey dancers have feelings too, you know (ask Colin).

3. The CHUMP is not living up to his promise for footrubs for all members of HUMP, as requested. And Ozkar said he was not reimbursed for his latest tip-frosting yet, wtf?

4. The Jaeger tap that was supposed to be installed in the practice studio was NOT supposed to be a poster taped to the wall of a Jaeger tap machine, my friend.

5. Did I mention that HUMP is really concerned about the whole splinter/dancer problem?? We really do care.

So hopefully PUMP will get the ball rolling on these problems, or we may be forced to discipline CHUMP with a large brick or other handy heavy dull instrument, and we don't want that to happen, as we would hate to get Greg P Smiffy, head of Federal Union of Crabby Keyboardists (FUCK) involved, as I hear he loves to take on lousy CHUMPs and rally to the cause of poor downtrodden yet fabulously talented HUMPs in contract negotiations.


Eagerly awaiting your response,
The HUMPs.

p.s. any idea what the hell the lady in red is doing??? maybe she got a splinter from the shoddy "high quality adult/exotic entertainer pole " in an uncomfortable place!

Breaking news.....

So, after years and years of speculation, the truth is finally out there. Oz's real last name is NOT Hernandez, as he's told us all these years, it's.....Zoolander. Apparently he and Derek were separated at birth, and Oz got the short end of the stick and has been toiling in relative obscurity for years.

The other night before our most badass Firewater show yet, Oz got this sparkly vacant look in his eyes, like a dog listening to an electric can opener running off in the distance. Suddenly he leaps up from the table, hauls ass across the bar and before you could say "Hey Paris, you left your thong at my house AGAIN last night", he's primping and preening in front of the camera....I shoulda known something was up when he asked Colin to paint his toenails before the show and then asked me how his frosted tips looked (I still haven't figured that out, either he's hitting on me or he has been spending too much time reading Cosmo)

He even shoved our friend Courtney out of the way and was trying to lay down his signature look, which he calls "Brown Mamba"....


Courtney looks mad...I think it might be because she's worried he might take her job. Don't worry, I don't think Oz could pull off the leg warmers, so your spot is safe, Court.

So in the future please address all correspondence for Oz to the following address...

Ozkar Zoolander
c/o Jessica Simpson's bedroom
Dallas, TX 76969
email: TheMexicanLoveSnake@Ididyourmom.com

Sigh

To whom it may concern,

It appears that Baldilocks is a resignation Indian-giver, among other things, so my well-deserved takeover attempt has been thwarted, but only for the time being. Come on, the McDonald's "Rockin' 2 Years Old Play Ground Extravaganza" was so going to be a rockin' show, we could have played on the slide afterwards...your loss, O Shiny-Headed One.

So I am unfortunately relegated back to my old work position at BlinkyBurger as Senior Fry Technician. This is of course a very satisfying and honorable position, as you may imagine....I mean, I'm in charge of bringing deep-fried potato-y goodness to the masses of customers every day, thereby brightening their day!!! (and increasing their chances of keeling over dead from a heart attack, but that's THEIR problem, not mine).

Sometimes it gets slow at work, and I get bored and find ways to amuse myself by putting things in the Fry-O-Matic 300GT (with self-cleaning drip pan option), this was not such a good idea, in retrospect.....


But anyway, I digress...hope to see you at BlinkyBurger soon!!! And at Firewater this Saturday night, I will be the kool looking guy on the right of the stage. Come say hi and I may even give you a free coupon for a JumboBlinkyFry!!!

A Message from the New Chairmonkey of the Board

Dear readers,

As you may be aware of, former Senior Upper Management has abdicated his throne, citing numerous reasons, such as "stress" and "being busy", but I am here to reassure you he is in good health, and that by "stress" he really meant "this band stuff is cutting into my nap time" and by "being busy" he meant "it was cutting into my Karate Kid III re-run watching time". So he decided to semi-gracefully turn over day-to-day operation of the band to myself, Colin With One L, and Ozbekistan.

However, seeing as Colin With One L works two other (and much less important, I would like to point out) jobs and Oztopus immediately complained he wanted nothing to do with running the band as it would interfere with his constant pedicures and "getting his tips and highlights refrosted" (whatever the #$%^ that means), it was decided in a truly and fairly democratic decision (read: I made the call without even asking them what they thought) that I, Lord Keith, Baron von Westheimer, would become the CMO (Chief Monkeyshyne Operator) of the newly formed, Monkeyshyne Inkorparated.

And here is my genius. The former CMO constantly bitched and moaned, for example, about having to mail out posters (which I actually did half of the time, no let's make it 87.3% of the time) and the one time I leave it to him, he drops the ball faster than Lindsay Lohan's panties dropping (and that is waaaay fast, let me tell you). I, being a true Senior Upper Management type, have learned about this wonderful new management technique while I was Senior Fry Technician at Blinky Burger.......

The magic word is: Delegation!

So former CMO Christian Rawk will still be in charge of many of the previous tasks he did, he just won't have the tremendous burden of responsibility, as I will be providing positive and nurturing oversight, while I empower him to be the best he can be.

Colin with One L will be in charge of making sure that only the finest ladies will be allowed to inspect the plushness and luxury of our immense, shiny tour bus.

Oz....well...hmmm. Toughie. You will be in charge of showing up to shows, how about that? I think he can handle this okay. Oh, and making sure we're never out of hair-styling products.

I am also bringing an outside "consultant", Cliff, to be Vice President and Chief Financial Monkey. He'll be kinda like the guy from Office Space who asks, "so what exactly is it that you do?" and he will be laying down the law on all of these silly extra expenses we lay out, according to Chris, like these mysterious "gas" and "food" expenditures you were always taking out of our paychecks.

Here is a pic of my new office, hey Chris, don't forget to subtract the cost in your "spreadsheet".


Love,
your new CMO,
Keith

Management 101

ATTENTION

It has come to my attention, that in the true spirit of senior management, that a buck is trying to be passed by Senior Upper Management to the rest of the band. Seems that someone who will remain Chris nameless, is trying to make it look like it was our fault (that being Colin, Oztimus Prime and myself) that we failed miserably to have hotel rooms booked. Seeing as the unnamed Chris person claims he is the leader of the band, we naturally assumed that since he is Senior Upper Management that he would be competent enough to suppress his ADD for just a moment or two and remember to make hotel reservations. Usually, if management has an inkling that they may a) forget something or b) not be capable of doing something, they entrust said task to the humble, reliable, fantastically talented and ridiculously good looking members of lower and middle management, that being Colin, Oztastic, and me....he failed miserably in doing so, not only in hotel rooms, but in the posters department as well.

Is it possible that it's time for a Management Revolution in Monkeyshyneland? I say yes! Break out the pitchforks boys, time to catch us a Baldilockus Managementus!!!

I bought a book for you today, Mr. Now-Only-Upper-Middle-Management....I think you will find it useful in your attempt to once again be Senior Upper Management. We expect a full TPS report on Chapter 1 by Sunday morning.


The new Bosses,
Keef, Colin With One L, and Ozmosis.

All right, all right, all right.....

Well, seeing as we played in Austin, I had to quote some Matthew McConaughey (or however you spell his name).

But speaking of Austin, I would like to point out that Senior Management got temporarily fired this weekend for about 17 minutes...seems that he forgot to actually book hotel rooms in Austin, figuring we would just wing it. Turns out that every hotel room along I-35 between Temple and Austin was booked. Oops. So about 4:30 in the morning, after calling every hotel we could think of while munching on eggs and hash browns at IHOP, we finally get the hook up at The Wingate, which in retrospect was pretty stylin', we ended up partying in the hot-tub until 5:30 in the morning the next night. Ahhh, it's good to be a rock star.

Senior Management redeemed himself the next day by performing an emergency Quadruple Bypass Hosectomy on poor RunRun the Magic Bus. So all is back to normal in Monkeyshyne, Inc.


It was a good weekend, full of memorable moments, like Dr. Baldilocks Emergency Van Surgery, hot-tubbing, Ritz crispy chips and Chili Cheese Fritos, my dad seeing us play for the first time, celebrating Oz's birthday (see above), playing in Austin again, another sighting of the now-famous Pinkasaurus Rex and Rex being molested by hot women to boot (or boots, no pun intended ;) the declaration that March 3rd is now officially Keith Day, Oz getting his birthday spankings by Colin, and Oz's new swimsuit (you had to be there, trust me), and did I mention boots?

Was good times with good people...looking forward to next weekend in the Falls, hopefully Senior Management has taken care of the details this time, cough cough....