Notes to self

10 random thoughts as I sit here drinking coffee, in no particular order.....

1) Staring off into space at the ceiling of the Curtain Club while starting a song is generally not a good idea, as one tends to screw the intro up.

2) For some reason, frisbees are a whole lot more exciting to dogs than tennis balls.

3) Coffee is the best thing in the world...if I could live off of it and not die, I would.

4) Left front half-axles for Audis are really expensive. Stupid Germans (well I have just cursed my ancestors).

5) Our van is the biggest ghetto-fabulous crapomatic hunk of rolling metal on the planet, possibly. But I will still shed a tear when it goes to the Big Junkyard in the Sky.

6) I wonder how a Rage Against the Machine song would sound acoustified.

7) I don't ever really get nervous on stage anymore...I remember the first gig I played with monkeyshyne at the Ridglea Theater in Fort worth, I almost peed on my own foot I was so nervous, haha.

8) I walked in the other night at Chris's house to see him with shaving cream all over his head....was kinda funny but scary, if you didn't know what he was up to.

9) Be really careful when dealing with Verizon's internet department, they are boneheads beyond description apparently.

10) Speaking of dogs, why do some dogs bark like it's going out of style and others just don't bark hardly at all?


Anyway....my time in the Air Force is winding down, I think I officially have 90 days left, and I have 40 days of vacation, so my time is REALLY winding down. I am so stoked to get away from it, it's been a fun but draining ride of 13 years. Some parts of it I'll miss, like the travel and meeting a lot of cool people, but a lot of others I won't miss, to include travel to combat zones (see pic) and some not-so-cool people.

my ass in Afghanistan...literally.

I'm part excited, part scared shitless....I mean, I haven't had to look for a job for 13 years, so I'm sure I will commit some heinous faux-pas during some interview, which I will have to compensate for by leaping over the desk and applying a pressure-point choke hold on the interviewer til he/she goes unconscious and forgets my faux-pas. And then I will call back a few days later and say "hey Bob, really enjoyed the chance to talk with you the other day, I got the job, right? RIGHT? What? DON'T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE AGAIN. By the way, is your life insurance paid up? I would hate for your wife and kids to be destitute and living in a refrigerator box in an alley when you're gone. What? Oh was just idly wondering. SO WHEN DO I START?!?! That's what I thought, and while we're at it I would like a raise, even though I haven't started yet. And a corner office. And a secretary. Maybe even your office and your secretary. Great, I'll be in for my first day on Tuesday, be cleaned out by then."

Wow, I have no idea where that came from. Me and the boys will be drinking a few tasty Ziegenbock's tonight at the Garage in Denton, we'll be playing a badass acoustic set all night, swing by and hang with us and I will promise not to knife anyone with a spork from an MRE, haha. No seriously. No sporks. See you there!!!!

Well....

I can't POSSIBLY outdo Colin for a wacky headline after his latest one, go see for yourself.. I'll just stick with "Well....."

I think I had quite possibly one of the best damn meals I've ever had in my life Saturday night at Shogun in Wichita Falls...Johnny worked some hibachi magic and just tore it up, I mean he made Tom Cruise from Cocktail look like a pantywaist. Oh wait, Tom Cruise IS a pantywaist....photographic proof! Although apparently he has Dark Jedi Powers, so I won't talk too much smack about him before he turns me into a fire hydrant in the middle of a dog kennel, that would not be a good thing.

Anyway, Johnny cooked us one helluva meal, and the show that went with it was amazing. I mean seriously, if you're ever in Wichita Falls you gotta go see him do his thing at his restaurant Shogun. Frigging amazing. And the food is outstanding, you will not be disappointed.

I also noticed, that while I was driving the Monkeyshyne van to Wichita Falls (which is always a hair-raising experience, you always wonder if something is going to explode on it at any given minute) that I was eating Chili Cheese Fritos again on the way to Wichita Falls. Does Frito-Lays have some space beam shooting subliminal messages to me to eat their Chili Cheese Fritos on the way to WF? Or maybe it's just Tom Cruise using his Evil Jedi mind tricks on me already.

So we get this great pic of us from the other night after we were done tearing it up...I thought "hey that's a cool picture of us and Ginger and Steph (some of our biggest fans) and then I notice COLIN TRYING TO TONGUE MY EAR!!! So if you come and say hi to me at a show and you notice a thing of rat poison in my right ear, you'll know I'm trying to deter his deplorable behavior. Drummers...can't take 'em anywhere! (just kidding, brother).

We'll be back in WF on May 12th at the Iron Horse....so you know that if you look real close, you will see Chili Cheese Frito crumbs on me somewhere. Damn you, Tom Cruise.

when is it ok to set your car on fire?

Lately I have been having all sorts of pain-in-the-$%# problems with my car....it's been a good car, and it's pimp, I mean come on I even have rear heated seats (also known as 'toasty asswarmers') and it's so smart that when you roll the window down when the stereo is on, it automatically boosts the treble so it sounds just like the windows are still up. And it's fast, just ask Harley Chris (nothing like drag-racing down Belt Line Rd at 2am to 90mph). But good lord, what else can go wrong. I mean, I drive a lot for work, and then drive back and forth to Dallas every weekend almost, so I'm not too shocked I've gone through three sets of tires in two years, so I just got new ones. But now I have this front-end vibration between 60-75mph (where I do a lot of driving) and I find out I need a new front left half-axle...of course, this being a European Money Pit that just sounds expensive, and it was. Manageable though, more of a pain than anything else....I thought to myself the other morning that if I came out one day and it had burned to the ground mysteriously I wouldn't have been too awful upset. But then I had to talk to it in a soothing reassuring voice so it didn't get mad at me and launch a wheel off while doing 80mph down the interstate, the finicky little tramp, I mean great car!

So what do you think....should I keep it, as it's almost paid off, or think about getting something else? And if something else, what would be a potential future Keithmobile? No fruity-looking hybrid cars that look like a jellybean either, a man has to have some pride when he rolls.

awk-warrrrrrrrrrd

Good God, is it hot. My car informed me at was 102 degrees out, this was shortly after I had discovered I had melted to my seat. My car then informed I should buy gold as the market was looking up, I think my car has delusions of grandeur and might quite possibly be smarter than I am. I'm pretty sure I could take it in Double Jeopardy though.

Anyway, we were total rockstars this weekend...we played at Heather and Graham's wedding reception/party (congrats again, suckers!) and we all had a good time. I don't quite think Chris got the hint though when we kept sending him off to get more beer, or some cake, or that tasty bread with Parmesan...even when we did it in the middle of the song he didn't catch on....

Oz: (playing guitar) Hey Chris?
Chris: (soloing), What it is buddy?
O: Hey, umm...could you go get us some fresh towelettes? It's hot up here.
C: But I'm wanking on a solo right now....
O: You know I hate when my palms get damp and sweaty, Christopher.
C: But...
O: Damp is bad! Go now, or I shall smite thee! Buddy.
C: Okay, buddy, I guess you're right....(exits stage forlornly)

...and coincidentally Graham would just wander onto the stage and jam out on his custom Brizendine Uke-acoustic. And then we would change our name on the backdrop when Chris wasn't looking....
Of course there was that awkward moment when Chris would walk back up to the stage with a handul of moist towelettes with a confused look on his face.

Chris: What's that?
Keith: What's what?
C: Umm, THAT. 2 Live what?
K: Errr....hey thanks for the towelettes! You're such a buddy. Graham, give Chris his guitar back, it's not nice to rub the back of his Gibson on your bare belly.
Graham: Awwww....okay.
C: What??????
K: Uhhh, hey nice shirt Chris, you look pimp tonight!
C: Huh? What the %^& is going on?
K: I don't know what you're talking about....hey I'm outta beer wanna go get us two more pal?

and so it continues....more to follow on Big Trouble in Little Monkeyland.

what the?

Apparently Chris' hair-trigger temper and deep-seated subconscious desire to wear leather and sing in a falsetto have gotten the best of him, and he has decided to follow in Rob Halford's footsteps (in more ways than one, from what I hear). So everyone bow your heads, and try to catch as many gigs as you can with Chris before he leaves to go form Wyldd Wikkyd Evvyl or whatever consonant-challenged band he's going to play in....

...and let's welcome Graham, shall we? Can he cut it as the newest monkeyboy? Only time will tell....although we have to apparently break him of him thinking that his alter-ego is "Breathie Smurf" and find him a good Blue Face Support Group....

4 out of 5 doctors recommend

So I was watching a commercial this morning for some new toothpaste, and it said "4 out of 5 dentists recommended" this toothpaste....so I started thinking about all those commercials we see that claim something like that, along the lines of '4 out of 5 proctologists' recommend Preparation H for your personal issues....

...so what if we got our own commercial like that? It would go something like this:

Doc (D): Well, Mr. Smithsonian, what seems to be the problem?
Patient (P): Doc, I feel like crap. My job sucks, my dog died, and my wife just left me for the cable guy.
D: Well, that sucks.
P: Gee thanks, Dr. Obvious.
D: I mean, seriously, that sounds like you could write a country song about that.
P: Umm, yeah.
D: Well, I have just the thing for you....some monkeyshyne! Take two and call me in the morning. It IS recommended by 4 out of 5 doctors for general lifesucksitis.
P: Wow! I think I'll do that. Thanks!!!
D: That will be one million dollars and fifty cents, please.
P: Huh?

The world would be a better place....

5 things....

...that I thought about or noticed on the way to, from, and at Click's in Tyler this weekend....

1. For some reason it struck me as odd that Oz was eating a "Mr. Goodbar". I'm not sure why.
2. Colin's cymbal stands were bouncing around on the drum riser like little kids on crack. How one of them didn't fall over is beyond me.
3. If someone is dumpster diving at the Wal-Mart off of 80 in Forney, be careful about picking up any new-looking boxes, and you can thank Chris and Big C.
4. Jaeger Bombs at Click's. Much Jaeger. Not very much Bomb.
5. Oh...Mr. State Trooper in the gas station? Might want to work on that 'I'm nonchalantly watching you guys" act. You were so busted.

Anyway, I've been helping out Colin spiff the monkeyshyne myspace page up, he runs it. I switched some of the pics up for something different, but one of the ones we got from our CD show at the Firewater....thought it was a good pic of us getting ready to tear it up. Just thought I'd share.

Hog wild.....

Had a great weekend this time around, we played down in Temple, TX on Friday night, it was good to see a lot of familiar faces out there. Everything was kinda quiet for the first few songs, then Baldilocks AKA Chris decides to bust out "Family Tradition" from Hank Williams Jr and the crowd goes wild and stays wild, we have a blast, so to Alicia, Dan, Jenny, Bones, Mikey, Brandy and everyone else who made it out, thanks for making it a helluva time. Oh, and Oz? Sorry about braining you with my guitar. Good game though, buddy.

So Sat night we play down in the Deep Ellum Community Music Festival in Dallas....we're down setting up at 9, no one's there at the Liquid Lounge, we're thinking this just might suck a bit...but then suddenly the flood gates opened and we have this big crowd. Chris announces we're doing 'Family Tradition' and you can hear this groan "noooooooooooooo" but man, once we started eveyone is singing along and getting into it. Another really fun set, I did not want to get off the stage after our 40min set was up.

So to everyone who made it out and went 'Hog Wild'....you rock.