This product not for internal use

Funny, today I was surfing the net, and I just purely and totally coincidentally ran across this warning label that a bar had apparently posted outside their door, the bastards....


I mean, come on, help us out here, bar owners!!!!

For only pennies a day...

....YOU can help Sally Strothers and Her Three Chins feed a starving kid in Africa who will only see about 3% of whatever you donate, because Sally's donut bill will take the other 97%.

OR....you can donate to me, Keith the Awesome, Bass Player Extraordinare and Mastermind of Creative Ideas, and I will save your hard-earned pennies and nickels to send these two goons to...tada...ballroom dancing classes.

*ATTENTION*
You must click on the pic below to enjoy/endure the full glory!!!

WARNING
Senior Upper Middle Management is not responsible for any seizures that may occur

I mean, come ON. You have to see how important it is they they get some kind of instruction. If they keep this up, all of us who see this terrible tragedy (aka Chris and Cliff dancing) will suffer immediate seizures and possibly death, with absolutely no assault sporking or overindulgence of JaegerBombs involved in any way. And that just ain't right; if I'm gonna kick the bucket, there better be a spork, some booze, or a hot woman wearing me out involved, haha.

So please....dig deep into your hearts and pockets (past the lint and gum wrappers) and find it in your soul to donate whatever you can, so I can immediately sign these two up for "Getting In Touch With Your Feminine Side: Ballroom Dancing for Idjits" down at the Y immediately. And your donation will even be tax-deductible, I promise.

xoxo
Keith

For your own good

It has come to my attention that a bit o' censorship on some potentially scandalous pictures has gotten a member of Senior Upper Management all with his panties in a bunch. Never fear, CHUMP (that's Chief Head Upper Management Provider to you folks), it was I, the crafty, wise, all-powerful bass player, Keith, who headed off certain disaster by my well-timed photo-altering direction to our super photo buddies, Scotty (What Bushes?) Horn and Cliff (Have You Seen my Star Filter?) Cook. You see, unbeknownst to the CHUMP, who was too busy trying to find someone to rub some sunscreen on his head, our intrepid drummer Colin (with one l, that is very important) was, umm, getting a bit frisky with his midget lady friend...he introduced her to me as "Chesty McNugget", who he claimed was an internationally-acclaimed "actress" who has appeared in the award-winning film, "C4: Chesty does Chicago, Cleveland and Carrollton" but I am getting off track here. Seeing as we are a TOTALLY family-friendly band, and never talk about smoking pot and getting high, or never ever drink too many JaegerBombs on stage, or show nice young pretty ladies the inside of RunRun the Magic Bus's plush and luxurious interior, I felt that I had a mission. And that was to make sure that incriminating pics of Colin and "Chesty" doing let-us-say-NC-17-rated things were properly doctored, so we don't lose our Disney sponsorship. So really, you should be thanking me....

Just as a side note, "Chesty" asked if we would show a picture of the shirt she gave Colin after their "post-show interview"...
hugs not drugs,
Sr. Upper Middle Management

Lower management unite!

TO: Chief Head Upper Management Provider
FROM: Humble ridiculously good-looking and talented slightly lower management
SUBJECT: Workplace grievances

Dear Shiny Head Sir,
In light of your temporary resignation which you promptly reneged on after you realized how wonderfully Monkeyshyne, Inc was running in your absence, we would like to remind you of the promises and improvements you promised to make upon your reinstation as Chief Head Upper Management Provider (also known as CHUMP) to us members of Handsome Upper Management Peoples (known as HUMP). We, the members of HUMP, would like to point out to CHUMP some of the promises you have yet to provide, as you have been busy watching "Karate Kid III" way too much, we think you may need an Ralph Macchio intervention, but that will be addressed in our next staff meeting.

Our list of grievances, good sir...
1. You said you would get Krispy Kreme Donuts (little flour-y chunks of heaven) for all practices and staff meetings....Racetrac "6 for a buck" day-olds are NOT the same, we would like to point out.

2. The "high quality adult/exotic entertainer pole to be installed in the practice space" (see clause 12.137 section A) was not supposed to be a 2x4 nailed into the floor and ceiling....that leads to splinters in uncomfortable places, and hey dancers have feelings too, you know (ask Colin).

3. The CHUMP is not living up to his promise for footrubs for all members of HUMP, as requested. And Ozkar said he was not reimbursed for his latest tip-frosting yet, wtf?

4. The Jaeger tap that was supposed to be installed in the practice studio was NOT supposed to be a poster taped to the wall of a Jaeger tap machine, my friend.

5. Did I mention that HUMP is really concerned about the whole splinter/dancer problem?? We really do care.

So hopefully PUMP will get the ball rolling on these problems, or we may be forced to discipline CHUMP with a large brick or other handy heavy dull instrument, and we don't want that to happen, as we would hate to get Greg P Smiffy, head of Federal Union of Crabby Keyboardists (FUCK) involved, as I hear he loves to take on lousy CHUMPs and rally to the cause of poor downtrodden yet fabulously talented HUMPs in contract negotiations.


Eagerly awaiting your response,
The HUMPs.

p.s. any idea what the hell the lady in red is doing??? maybe she got a splinter from the shoddy "high quality adult/exotic entertainer pole " in an uncomfortable place!

Breaking news.....

So, after years and years of speculation, the truth is finally out there. Oz's real last name is NOT Hernandez, as he's told us all these years, it's.....Zoolander. Apparently he and Derek were separated at birth, and Oz got the short end of the stick and has been toiling in relative obscurity for years.

The other night before our most badass Firewater show yet, Oz got this sparkly vacant look in his eyes, like a dog listening to an electric can opener running off in the distance. Suddenly he leaps up from the table, hauls ass across the bar and before you could say "Hey Paris, you left your thong at my house AGAIN last night", he's primping and preening in front of the camera....I shoulda known something was up when he asked Colin to paint his toenails before the show and then asked me how his frosted tips looked (I still haven't figured that out, either he's hitting on me or he has been spending too much time reading Cosmo)

He even shoved our friend Courtney out of the way and was trying to lay down his signature look, which he calls "Brown Mamba"....


Courtney looks mad...I think it might be because she's worried he might take her job. Don't worry, I don't think Oz could pull off the leg warmers, so your spot is safe, Court.

So in the future please address all correspondence for Oz to the following address...

Ozkar Zoolander
c/o Jessica Simpson's bedroom
Dallas, TX 76969
email: TheMexicanLoveSnake@Ididyourmom.com

Sigh

To whom it may concern,

It appears that Baldilocks is a resignation Indian-giver, among other things, so my well-deserved takeover attempt has been thwarted, but only for the time being. Come on, the McDonald's "Rockin' 2 Years Old Play Ground Extravaganza" was so going to be a rockin' show, we could have played on the slide afterwards...your loss, O Shiny-Headed One.

So I am unfortunately relegated back to my old work position at BlinkyBurger as Senior Fry Technician. This is of course a very satisfying and honorable position, as you may imagine....I mean, I'm in charge of bringing deep-fried potato-y goodness to the masses of customers every day, thereby brightening their day!!! (and increasing their chances of keeling over dead from a heart attack, but that's THEIR problem, not mine).

Sometimes it gets slow at work, and I get bored and find ways to amuse myself by putting things in the Fry-O-Matic 300GT (with self-cleaning drip pan option), this was not such a good idea, in retrospect.....


But anyway, I digress...hope to see you at BlinkyBurger soon!!! And at Firewater this Saturday night, I will be the kool looking guy on the right of the stage. Come say hi and I may even give you a free coupon for a JumboBlinkyFry!!!

A Message from the New Chairmonkey of the Board

Dear readers,

As you may be aware of, former Senior Upper Management has abdicated his throne, citing numerous reasons, such as "stress" and "being busy", but I am here to reassure you he is in good health, and that by "stress" he really meant "this band stuff is cutting into my nap time" and by "being busy" he meant "it was cutting into my Karate Kid III re-run watching time". So he decided to semi-gracefully turn over day-to-day operation of the band to myself, Colin With One L, and Ozbekistan.

However, seeing as Colin With One L works two other (and much less important, I would like to point out) jobs and Oztopus immediately complained he wanted nothing to do with running the band as it would interfere with his constant pedicures and "getting his tips and highlights refrosted" (whatever the #$%^ that means), it was decided in a truly and fairly democratic decision (read: I made the call without even asking them what they thought) that I, Lord Keith, Baron von Westheimer, would become the CMO (Chief Monkeyshyne Operator) of the newly formed, Monkeyshyne Inkorparated.

And here is my genius. The former CMO constantly bitched and moaned, for example, about having to mail out posters (which I actually did half of the time, no let's make it 87.3% of the time) and the one time I leave it to him, he drops the ball faster than Lindsay Lohan's panties dropping (and that is waaaay fast, let me tell you). I, being a true Senior Upper Management type, have learned about this wonderful new management technique while I was Senior Fry Technician at Blinky Burger.......

The magic word is: Delegation!

So former CMO Christian Rawk will still be in charge of many of the previous tasks he did, he just won't have the tremendous burden of responsibility, as I will be providing positive and nurturing oversight, while I empower him to be the best he can be.

Colin with One L will be in charge of making sure that only the finest ladies will be allowed to inspect the plushness and luxury of our immense, shiny tour bus.

Oz....well...hmmm. Toughie. You will be in charge of showing up to shows, how about that? I think he can handle this okay. Oh, and making sure we're never out of hair-styling products.

I am also bringing an outside "consultant", Cliff, to be Vice President and Chief Financial Monkey. He'll be kinda like the guy from Office Space who asks, "so what exactly is it that you do?" and he will be laying down the law on all of these silly extra expenses we lay out, according to Chris, like these mysterious "gas" and "food" expenditures you were always taking out of our paychecks.

Here is a pic of my new office, hey Chris, don't forget to subtract the cost in your "spreadsheet".


Love,
your new CMO,
Keith