Touchdown Jesus
*warning*: the following blog is meant to be light in spirit and semi-funny and NOT meant to offend anyone in any way, shape or form, and we in monkeyshyne respect everyone on the planet Earth, regardless of race, religion, nationality, age, and pickle size.
Well last night, as we were driving back the 1,398.2 miles from Tomball where we had a gig Saturday night, we hit upon an interesting topic of conversation...I won't focus on the hours and hours we all spent in a hot semi-overheating van battling humidity that would fell a mortal man, I'll leave that to someone else. I'll focus on the conversation we had coming back into Dallas at oh 6:30am, and we were all delirious due to lack of sleep, too much Red Bull, exhaust fumes, smokes, chili cheese fritos, Mountain Dew, and curly fries.
Not too far from Chris' house is Prestonwood Church. Apparently this is some huge church (remember, I don't live in Dallas yet and don't know the lay of the land too much) that has thousands of followers, a Starbuck's in the lobby (hallelujah, and pass the skim no-fat latte!) and also a $350, 000 water fountain out front. The place is huge. From a couple of miles off, it no kidding looks like some big football arena. So I ask what it is, and get the rundown on it.
After a couple of moments of semi-religious discussion, we somehow got on the subject of what if Jesus played football....would it go something like this out on the field?
(in the huddle)
Jesus: Hey guys, I think we have the Demons on the ropes...Beelzebub looks tired, and St Peter just burned Lucifer for a 12-yard gain on that last play.
John the Baptist: Yeah, I've been getting open every play, dude.
Gabriel the Angell: Me too! I've been getting off my blocks pretty well, Judas can't keep up with me.
Jesus: All right, we're down by three with a couple minutes left....hey Moses you got anything left in the tank?
Moses: Well, lugging these stone tablets around is getting tiring, but I think I can rise to the occasion one more time, fellas.
Jesus: Cool! ok here's what we're gonna do...you Apostles on the offensive line make sure to pick up the linebacker blitz, I think Pontius Pilate is gonna come around the right side and try to sack me. Abel, you do a 10-yard out pattern and see if you can pull the strong safety Cain over there so we can get Methuselah open...Moses, do you think you can part the secondary one more time?
Moses: Yes, my Lord.
Jesus: Great! Okay we'll call this play Methuselah Goes Downtown 32..let's put it together guys, and win the inaugural Good vs. Evil Bowl...on two, ready ready, break!
...and then Jesus throws a bomb to Methuselah streaking down the field (he's surprisingly nimble and fleet-footed for being 800 years old...I hear he runs a 4.4 40-yd dash). Moses throws the perfect block...Methuselah's headed for the goal...Cain comes in for the tackle, but Methuselah laterals to Jesus! It's the old Hook-And-Holy Ladder play!....and then Jesus is tackled at the goal-line by Satan himself, who had dropped back in nickel coverage! What a finish!!!!
Jesus: I so scored!
Satan: I think not, Son of God...your knee was down at the one!
Jesus: Was not!
Satan: Was too!
The Virgin Mary (referee): I think we'll have to send this one to the replay booth and let the Big Guy look at it.
(everyone waits around impatiently as God views the replay and taps their feet waiting on the Lord Almighty)
God: TOUCHDOWN!
Satan: No way!
God: Hush, or I shall smite thee!!!!
And Good would triumph over Evil and not only win the Good Vs. Evil Bowl, but go on to sign lucrative endorsement deals with Starbucks and live happily ever after.
p.s. all hate mail may be sent to the Starbuck's corporate office, they started this whole weird conversation in the van.
Well last night, as we were driving back the 1,398.2 miles from Tomball where we had a gig Saturday night, we hit upon an interesting topic of conversation...I won't focus on the hours and hours we all spent in a hot semi-overheating van battling humidity that would fell a mortal man, I'll leave that to someone else. I'll focus on the conversation we had coming back into Dallas at oh 6:30am, and we were all delirious due to lack of sleep, too much Red Bull, exhaust fumes, smokes, chili cheese fritos, Mountain Dew, and curly fries.
Not too far from Chris' house is Prestonwood Church. Apparently this is some huge church (remember, I don't live in Dallas yet and don't know the lay of the land too much) that has thousands of followers, a Starbuck's in the lobby (hallelujah, and pass the skim no-fat latte!) and also a $350, 000 water fountain out front. The place is huge. From a couple of miles off, it no kidding looks like some big football arena. So I ask what it is, and get the rundown on it.
After a couple of moments of semi-religious discussion, we somehow got on the subject of what if Jesus played football....would it go something like this out on the field?
(in the huddle)
Jesus: Hey guys, I think we have the Demons on the ropes...Beelzebub looks tired, and St Peter just burned Lucifer for a 12-yard gain on that last play.
John the Baptist: Yeah, I've been getting open every play, dude.
Gabriel the Angell: Me too! I've been getting off my blocks pretty well, Judas can't keep up with me.
Jesus: All right, we're down by three with a couple minutes left....hey Moses you got anything left in the tank?
Moses: Well, lugging these stone tablets around is getting tiring, but I think I can rise to the occasion one more time, fellas.
Jesus: Cool! ok here's what we're gonna do...you Apostles on the offensive line make sure to pick up the linebacker blitz, I think Pontius Pilate is gonna come around the right side and try to sack me. Abel, you do a 10-yard out pattern and see if you can pull the strong safety Cain over there so we can get Methuselah open...Moses, do you think you can part the secondary one more time?
Moses: Yes, my Lord.
Jesus: Great! Okay we'll call this play Methuselah Goes Downtown 32..let's put it together guys, and win the inaugural Good vs. Evil Bowl...on two, ready ready, break!
...and then Jesus throws a bomb to Methuselah streaking down the field (he's surprisingly nimble and fleet-footed for being 800 years old...I hear he runs a 4.4 40-yd dash). Moses throws the perfect block...Methuselah's headed for the goal...Cain comes in for the tackle, but Methuselah laterals to Jesus! It's the old Hook-And-Holy Ladder play!....and then Jesus is tackled at the goal-line by Satan himself, who had dropped back in nickel coverage! What a finish!!!!
Jesus: I so scored!
Satan: I think not, Son of God...your knee was down at the one!
Jesus: Was not!
Satan: Was too!
The Virgin Mary (referee): I think we'll have to send this one to the replay booth and let the Big Guy look at it.
(everyone waits around impatiently as God views the replay and taps their feet waiting on the Lord Almighty)
God: TOUCHDOWN!
Satan: No way!
God: Hush, or I shall smite thee!!!!
And Good would triumph over Evil and not only win the Good Vs. Evil Bowl, but go on to sign lucrative endorsement deals with Starbucks and live happily ever after.
p.s. all hate mail may be sent to the Starbuck's corporate office, they started this whole weird conversation in the van.
posted by Keith at 6:30 PM
1 Comments:
brilliant!!!!!!!
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