Keith's blog

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2007-05-07T21:43:00.000-07:00

Funny, today I was surfing the net, and I just purely and totally coincidentally ran across this warning label that a bar had apparently posted outside their door, the bastards....

I mean, come on, help us out here, bar owners!!!!

For only pennies a day...

2007-04-24T12:53:00.000-07:00

....YOU can help Sally Strothers and Her Three Chins feed a starving kid in Africa who will only see about 3% of whatever you donate, because Sally's donut bill will take the other 97%.

OR....you can donate to me, Keith the Awesome, Bass Player Extraordinare and Mastermind of Creative Ideas, and I will save your hard-earned pennies and nickels to send these two goons to...tada...ballroom dancing classes.

*ATTENTION*
You must click on the pic below to enjoy/endure the full glory!!!

WARNING
Senior Upper Middle Management is not responsible for any seizures that may occur

I mean, come ON. You have to see how important it is they they get some kind of instruction. If they keep this up, all of us who see this terrible tragedy (aka Chris and Cliff dancing) will suffer immediate seizures and possibly death, with absolutely no assault sporking or overindulgence of JaegerBombs involved in any way. And that just ain't right; if I'm gonna kick the bucket, there better be a spork, some booze, or a hot woman wearing me out involved, haha.

So please....dig deep into your hearts and pockets (past the lint and gum wrappers) and find it in your soul to donate whatever you can, so I can immediately sign these two up for "Getting In Touch With Your Feminine Side: Ballroom Dancing for Idjits" down at the Y immediately. And your donation will even be tax-deductible, I promise.

xoxo
Keith

For your own good

2007-04-06T14:13:00.000-07:00

It has come to my attention that a bit o' censorship on some potentially scandalous pictures has gotten a member of Senior Upper Management all with his panties in a bunch. Never fear, CHUMP (that's Chief Head Upper Management Provider to you folks), it was I, the crafty, wise, all-powerful bass player, Keith, who headed off certain disaster by my well-timed photo-altering direction to our super photo buddies, Scotty (What Bushes?) Horn and Cliff (Have You Seen my Star Filter?) Cook. You see, unbeknownst to the CHUMP, who was too busy trying to find someone to rub some sunscreen on his head, our intrepid drummer Colin (with one l, that is very important) was, umm, getting a bit frisky with his midget lady friend...he introduced her to me as "Chesty McNugget", who he claimed was an internationally-acclaimed "actress" who has appeared in the award-winning film, "C4: Chesty does Chicago, Cleveland and Carrollton" but I am getting off track here. Seeing as we are a TOTALLY family-friendly band, and never talk about smoking pot and getting high, or never ever drink too many JaegerBombs on stage, or show nice young pretty ladies the inside of RunRun the Magic Bus's plush and luxurious interior, I felt that I had a mission. And that was to make sure that incriminating pics of Colin and "Chesty" doing let-us-say-NC-17-rated things were properly doctored, so we don't lose our Disney sponsorship. So really, you should be thanking me....

Just as a side note, "Chesty" asked if we would show a picture of the shirt she gave Colin after their "post-show interview"...
hugs not drugs,
Sr. Upper Middle Management

Lower management unite!

2007-03-30T19:25:00.000-07:00

TO: Chief Head Upper Management Provider
FROM: Humble ridiculously good-looking and talented slightly lower management
SUBJECT: Workplace grievances

Dear Shiny Head Sir,
In light of your temporary resignation which you promptly reneged on after you realized how wonderfully Monkeyshyne, Inc was running in your absence, we would like to remind you of the promises and improvements you promised to make upon your reinstation as Chief Head Upper Management Provider (also known as CHUMP) to us members of Handsome Upper Management Peoples (known as HUMP). We, the members of HUMP, would like to point out to CHUMP some of the promises you have yet to provide, as you have been busy watching "Karate Kid III" way too much, we think you may need an Ralph Macchio intervention, but that will be addressed in our next staff meeting.

Our list of grievances, good sir...
1. You said you would get Krispy Kreme Donuts (little flour-y chunks of heaven) for all practices and staff meetings....Racetrac "6 for a buck" day-olds are NOT the same, we would like to point out.

2. The "high quality adult/exotic entertainer pole to be installed in the practice space" (see clause 12.137 section A) was not supposed to be a 2x4 nailed into the floor and ceiling....that leads to splinters in uncomfortable places, and hey dancers have feelings too, you know (ask Colin).

3. The CHUMP is not living up to his promise for footrubs for all members of HUMP, as requested. And Ozkar said he was not reimbursed for his latest tip-frosting yet, wtf?

4. The Jaeger tap that was supposed to be installed in the practice studio was NOT supposed to be a poster taped to the wall of a Jaeger tap machine, my friend.

5. Did I mention that HUMP is really concerned about the whole splinter/dancer problem?? We really do care.

So hopefully PUMP will get the ball rolling on these problems, or we may be forced to discipline CHUMP with a large brick or other handy heavy dull instrument, and we don't want that to happen, as we would hate to get Greg P Smiffy, head of Federal Union of Crabby Keyboardists (FUCK) involved, as I hear he loves to take on lousy CHUMPs and rally to the cause of poor downtrodden yet fabulously talented HUMPs in contract negotiations.

Eagerly awaiting your response,
The HUMPs.

p.s. any idea what the hell the lady in red is doing??? maybe she got a splinter from the shoddy "high quality adult/exotic entertainer pole " in an uncomfortable place!

Breaking news.....

2007-03-26T17:36:00.000-07:00

So, after years and years of speculation, the truth is finally out there. Oz's real last name is NOT Hernandez, as he's told us all these years, it's.....Zoolander. Apparently he and Derek were separated at birth, and Oz got the short end of the stick and has been toiling in relative obscurity for years.

The other night before our most badass Firewater show yet, Oz got this sparkly vacant look in his eyes, like a dog listening to an electric can opener running off in the distance. Suddenly he leaps up from the table, hauls ass across the bar and before you could say "Hey Paris, you left your thong at my house AGAIN last night", he's primping and preening in front of the camera....I shoulda known something was up when he asked Colin to paint his toenails before the show and then asked me how his frosted tips looked (I still haven't figured that out, either he's hitting on me or he has been spending too much time reading Cosmo)

He even shoved our friend Courtney out of the way and was trying to lay down his signature look, which he calls "Brown Mamba"....

Courtney looks mad...I think it might be because she's worried he might take her job. Don't worry, I don't think Oz could pull off the leg warmers, so your spot is safe, Court.

So in the future please address all correspondence for Oz to the following address...

Ozkar Zoolander
c/o Jessica Simpson's bedroom
Dallas, TX 76969
email: TheMexicanLoveSnake@Ididyourmom.com

Sigh

2007-03-22T08:20:00.000-07:00

To whom it may concern,

It appears that Baldilocks is a resignation Indian-giver, among other things, so my well-deserved takeover attempt has been thwarted, but only for the time being. Come on, the McDonald's "Rockin' 2 Years Old Play Ground Extravaganza" was so going to be a rockin' show, we could have played on the slide afterwards...your loss, O Shiny-Headed One.

So I am unfortunately relegated back to my old work position at BlinkyBurger as Senior Fry Technician. This is of course a very satisfying and honorable position, as you may imagine....I mean, I'm in charge of bringing deep-fried potato-y goodness to the masses of customers every day, thereby brightening their day!!! (and increasing their chances of keeling over dead from a heart attack, but that's THEIR problem, not mine).

Sometimes it gets slow at work, and I get bored and find ways to amuse myself by putting things in the Fry-O-Matic 300GT (with self-cleaning drip pan option), this was not such a good idea, in retrospect.....

But anyway, I digress...hope to see you at BlinkyBurger soon!!! And at Firewater this Saturday night, I will be the kool looking guy on the right of the stage. Come say hi and I may even give you a free coupon for a JumboBlinkyFry!!!

A Message from the New Chairmonkey of the Board

2007-03-20T07:23:00.001-07:00

Dear readers,

As you may be aware of, former Senior Upper Management has abdicated his throne, citing numerous reasons, such as "stress" and "being busy", but I am here to reassure you he is in good health, and that by "stress" he really meant "this band stuff is cutting into my nap time" and by "being busy" he meant "it was cutting into my Karate Kid III re-run watching time". So he decided to semi-gracefully turn over day-to-day operation of the band to myself, Colin With One L, and Ozbekistan.

However, seeing as Colin With One L works two other (and much less important, I would like to point out) jobs and Oztopus immediately complained he wanted nothing to do with running the band as it would interfere with his constant pedicures and "getting his tips and highlights refrosted" (whatever the #$%^ that means), it was decided in a truly and fairly democratic decision (read: I made the call without even asking them what they thought) that I, Lord Keith, Baron von Westheimer, would become the CMO (Chief Monkeyshyne Operator) of the newly formed, Monkeyshyne Inkorparated.

And here is my genius. The former CMO constantly bitched and moaned, for example, about having to mail out posters (which I actually did half of the time, no let's make it 87.3% of the time) and the one time I leave it to him, he drops the ball faster than Lindsay Lohan's panties dropping (and that is waaaay fast, let me tell you). I, being a true Senior Upper Management type, have learned about this wonderful new management technique while I was Senior Fry Technician at Blinky Burger.......

The magic word is: Delegation!

So former CMO Christian Rawk will still be in charge of many of the previous tasks he did, he just won't have the tremendous burden of responsibility, as I will be providing positive and nurturing oversight, while I empower him to be the best he can be.

Colin with One L will be in charge of making sure that only the finest ladies will be allowed to inspect the plushness and luxury of our immense, shiny tour bus.

Oz....well...hmmm. Toughie. You will be in charge of showing up to shows, how about that? I think he can handle this okay. Oh, and making sure we're never out of hair-styling products.

I am also bringing an outside "consultant", Cliff, to be Vice President and Chief Financial Monkey. He'll be kinda like the guy from Office Space who asks, "so what exactly is it that you do?" and he will be laying down the law on all of these silly extra expenses we lay out, according to Chris, like these mysterious "gas" and "food" expenditures you were always taking out of our paychecks.

Here is a pic of my new office, hey Chris, don't forget to subtract the cost in your "spreadsheet".

Love,
your new CMO,
Keith

Management 101

2007-03-09T12:33:00.000-08:00

ATTENTION

It has come to my attention, that in the true spirit of senior management, that a buck is trying to be passed by Senior Upper Management to the rest of the band. Seems that someone who will remain Chris nameless, is trying to make it look like it was our fault (that being Colin, Oztimus Prime and myself) that we failed miserably to have hotel rooms booked. Seeing as the unnamed Chris person claims he is the leader of the band, we naturally assumed that since he is Senior Upper Management that he would be competent enough to suppress his ADD for just a moment or two and remember to make hotel reservations. Usually, if management has an inkling that they may a) forget something or b) not be capable of doing something, they entrust said task to the humble, reliable, fantastically talented and ridiculously good looking members of lower and middle management, that being Colin, Oztastic, and me....he failed miserably in doing so, not only in hotel rooms, but in the posters department as well.

Is it possible that it's time for a Management Revolution in Monkeyshyneland? I say yes! Break out the pitchforks boys, time to catch us a Baldilockus Managementus!!!

I bought a book for you today, Mr. Now-Only-Upper-Middle-Management....I think you will find it useful in your attempt to once again be Senior Upper Management. We expect a full TPS report on Chapter 1 by Sunday morning.

The new Bosses,
Keef, Colin With One L, and Ozmosis.

All right, all right, all right.....

2007-03-05T20:44:00.000-08:00

Well, seeing as we played in Austin, I had to quote some Matthew McConaughey (or however you spell his name).

But speaking of Austin, I would like to point out that Senior Management got temporarily fired this weekend for about 17 minutes...seems that he forgot to actually book hotel rooms in Austin, figuring we would just wing it. Turns out that every hotel room along I-35 between Temple and Austin was booked. Oops. So about 4:30 in the morning, after calling every hotel we could think of while munching on eggs and hash browns at IHOP, we finally get the hook up at The Wingate, which in retrospect was pretty stylin', we ended up partying in the hot-tub until 5:30 in the morning the next night. Ahhh, it's good to be a rock star.

Senior Management redeemed himself the next day by performing an emergency Quadruple Bypass Hosectomy on poor RunRun the Magic Bus. So all is back to normal in Monkeyshyne, Inc.

It was a good weekend, full of memorable moments, like Dr. Baldilocks Emergency Van Surgery, hot-tubbing, Ritz crispy chips and Chili Cheese Fritos, my dad seeing us play for the first time, celebrating Oz's birthday (see above), playing in Austin again, another sighting of the now-famous Pinkasaurus Rex and Rex being molested by hot women to boot (or boots, no pun intended ;) the declaration that March 3rd is now officially Keith Day, Oz getting his birthday spankings by Colin, and Oz's new swimsuit (you had to be there, trust me), and did I mention boots?

Was good times with good people...looking forward to next weekend in the Falls, hopefully Senior Management has taken care of the details this time, cough cough....

Management can blow me

2007-02-28T22:14:00.001-08:00

Dear readers (all 9 of you),

It seems that senior (and shiny bald) management of Monkeyshyne, Inc. has decided to voice a complaint about the other members of the band are not posting blogs. I, for one, say "rubbish". Because I actually try to blog at least once a week... in between working, gallivanting around Texas in RunRun the Magic Bus and bringing the rock, saving the Pygmy Dwarves of the Upper Amazon, and oh yeah taking 17 semester hours of school, I don't have much free time, but hey I wouldn't want to deprive my LEGIONS of adoring fans who would readily agree that the bassist is the hottest guy in the band. By far. I mean, I would of course never say that I was the hottest guy in the band myself, but the masses have spoken.

And, I would like to point out to senior management, I come up with something better to blog about than the word "WHY?" posted 1,813.67 times in a row (but who's counting?)

I hereby challenge Senior Shaved Head Management to a duel....rocket-launchers at 20 paces. Well, better make it 300, or we may blow each other up inadvertently, and that would be a tragedy.

Top Ten Reasons You Should....

2007-02-21T20:41:00.000-08:00

....come see us at Firewater this weekend. 10. Colin is offering free mustache rides (ladies only, sorry)

9. We might actually have CDs and T-shirts for sale, unlike last weekend in Denton when we all forgot to load them in the van. Doh.

8. I'll shank you with the Mark-VII Attack Spork (with titanium folding bayonet and laser sight attachments) if you don't.

7. I will buy everyone a shot.

6. Let me rephrase...I will buy everyone a shot...with Chris' credit card.

5. We will be hosting a "Best Boobs" contest and since we are sure we'll get swarmed by applicants, we might need YOUR help in the hands-on judging contest.

4. You just might get to see me rocking Pinkasaurus Rex again. You never know when the last time may be....

3. Britney Spears called and challenged Chris to a "Bald Off".

2. It's Cliff's girl Gypsy's last day in the States before she moves to Mozambique or Bangladesh or wherever the hell she's moving to, so come out and par-taaaay with her before she bails

and the number one reason you should come see monkeyshyne at Firewater this Saturday night.....
(drumroll)

1. Oz promised he would get naked on stage if someone called him "Los Grande Burrito".

Tea Time

2007-02-13T16:15:00.000-08:00

As you may have figured out, we're big supporters of the local music scene; not just because we're in it (although I'm sure it has something to do with it), but because there are so many good bands in Dallas toiling away in relative obscurity that we all feel should be on our World Monkey Tour with us....we even got to play with two of my current favorites, The Opus Flux and Paperface the other night down at Galaxy Club, in Deep Ellum.

Deep Ellum, you say? Isn't that the place where people get mugged, parking is nigh on impossible, and there are reports of packs of rabid dwarves roaming the street?

False, I say. Deep Ellum is one of those funky, cool, eclectic places that was a hotspot for bands in the area in the late 80s and through the early part of this decade. Drowning Pool, Deep Blue Something, Reverend Horton Heat, and yes even Vanilla Ice came out of Deep Ellum. When I started playing with monkeyshyne a couple of years ago, I remember the first time we went down there on a Friday night, it was full of people roaming around in the streets looking for a good time or checking out bands at one of the many cool venues down there.

When we were down there the other night at Galaxy, we noticed it was so dead down there, which sucks. A lot of places have closed down due to various reasons...Club Clearview, Trees (where Kurt Cobain once got punched by a bouncer back in the day), Fat Ted's, Dada (although reopened)...and now the Gypsy Tea Room, one of the best-known of them all is closing March 31st. This is forcing more and more bands, like yours truly, to play out in the burbs, which is not always bad (Firewater, for example), but it just sucks to see a cool area known for music go down the tubes.

So if you get a chance, get out and have a good time watching a local band, wherever they may be, so hopefully your town/neck of the woods doesn't go the way of Deep Ellum, musically.

Shake and bake!

2007-02-05T18:18:00.000-08:00

We had one helluva weekend...played Friday night out at Click's in Tyler, and after drinking way too much and having way too much fun, we finally made it in about 3:30am back to Dallas. Then I had to work for a while on Saturday (just a bit hungover) then right back out on the road in RunRun to play at the Iron Horse in Wichita Falls. We rocked it out at both places, I spent most of yesterday just relaxing and recharging. I think I killed some brain cells this weekend, so I can't string together a lot of witty sentences, but here are some observations from this weekend:

- We all demand to now be referred to as "Package" Cloutier, "Pimpjacket" Watson, "Boots" Westheimer, and last but definitely not least, "Ozhawk" Hernandez.
- Click's makes some pretty hefty Jaeger Bombs. They'll sneak up on you.
- It was frigging cold out...especially standing out in front of Denny's in Wichita Falls at 4am.
- "Ozhawk" ate more food than I thought he possibly could at aforementioned Denny's.
- My stunt-spork made an appearance onstage at Tyler...the real Mk-VII Attack Spork (with thermonuke grenade launcher option) would never show its face in public, lest its cover get blown.
- Brother Sharp is a really good band, check them out if you get a chance to. Justin is one cool kat as well, he hung with us all the way till the last crumb of toast was gone at Denny's
- A certain unnamed member of monkeyshyne didn't think "Talladega Nights" was very funny. This gave us at least a good half hour of intense debate, killing some miles and time.
- Everyone loves my blanket. Especially "Package". He kept trying to put his hand on my leg underneath it, claiming if I couldn't physicially see it, he wasn't doing it.
- "Pimpjacket" and I had a long bass and drum solo/groove for about 3 minutes at Iron Horse. Colin ripped it up like a madman, and I was making so much badass shit up, I anointed myself "Bass Player of the...well...Forever".
- I still can't figure out how it can be 9,000 degress in the front of the van, and 9,000 below in the back seat. Weirdness.
- I rocked the pink bass twice this weekend...I have now named it "Pinkasaurus Rex".

That's about it...well, that I can remember anyway. Damn alcohol. We'll be down at Galaxy Club on Friday the 9th to support or bud Iceberg and his radio gig, RenegadeRadio.net, so come check it out, we'll be sharing the stage with our buds The Opus Flux, Orange Helicopter, and Paperface. Word, yo.

2007

2007-01-25T22:17:00.000-08:00

Well, first off, I defeated that little sonuvabitch Mr. Chicken and Bacon Biscuit this morning..walked right past him and didn't even think of buying one. I can't take the heartbreak (and cholesterol, haha) of that awful piece of so-called food anymore.

So anyway.

It's now 2007. monkeyshyne, and therefore all of us, are a year older. Some might think this is a bad thing, but on the flip side, there's a silver lining. Several, actually. We're all a little wiser, for one, and we all need all the help we can get to deal with the everyday annoyance that is called "everyone in the world who is an idiot that I have to deal with", ha.

I started thinking over the holidays about 2006, and how it was a year of a lot of changes for a lot of us, both me, the rest of the guys, and a lot of people that we collectively know. Some good, some bad, some unsettling, some badass. But all in all, it was a good experience, because I learned a lot about myself, met a bunch of cool people, I didn't end up in jail (not always the case, believe it or not), didn't catch a STD, am back in school chasing a future career in something I actually might enjoy for once, moved to Dallas and am digging it so far. Oh yeah, and I get to play in a badass mother#$%^&ing rock band with three of the best dudes I've ever known, despite our occasional differences.

So, instead of stressing about this or that as much as I have the last six months due to my relatively new un-Air Force-ness, I'm gonna slow down a bit, the best I can, and smell the roses a bit more. Have more fun. Bitch less (well, ok, this will be tough, ha). Party a little harder. Rock out with my buddies as often as possible. Leave no Jaeger undrunk.

We have a couple of new songs already in the works, I've had them both stuck in my head all week. We've learned some new covers that are relatively un-monkeyshyne-ish, so don't be surprised if we pull out a song that you wouldn't expect us to...just join in the fun if we do.

later kiddos, I think I hear a Shiner calling my name.....I'm out.

why? Why? WHY???

2007-01-22T14:30:00.001-08:00

Ok, so this morning I stopped at my favorite gas station, the QT right near Chris's house, on my way to skool. I always get a cup of coffee for the drive, and then I wandered past the little heater section where they have those pre-made breakfast sammiches and biscuits. Yep, there was my old friend, Mr. Chicken and Bacon Biscuit calling my name. I know these things are horrible, and are probably loaded with more chemicals than Jim Morrisson and Jimi Hendrix combined (when they were alive, of course), but my hand developed a mind of its own and grabbed one. Of course, once I got to driving up I-35, I realized that, despite my hopes that QT had suddenly changed the recipe or ingredients and that it might actually taste like some semblance of "chicken, "biscuit", "bacon", or any combination thereof, I was depressed to find out that it still tasted like hot buttered shit on toast.

(this is an actual picture of the 'Chicken and Bacon Biscuit' and his evil sidekicks 'Jalapeno Sausage Roll, 'Breakfast Burrito', and his step-brother-from-the-Bronx "Sausage and Egg Biscuit Yo")

So then I started thinking about other things that I do, that I KNOW I'm gonna regret, and made a list:
1. Why do I buy coffee from a gas station? It always taste like they roasted it on a dirty sidewalk.
2. Why do I continue to drink too many JaegerBombs? I know I'm gonna feel like !@#$ in the morning usually.
3. Why do I screw around the house before I have to leave somewhere, even if I know I have to leave at a given time or I'll be late, and leave two minutes after that?
4. Why do I keep working at Dumbass Customer Central, also known as IKEA? I know that at least three people per day will ask me a question or demand something so retarded, that I'm forming scar tissue on my tongue from biting it and refraining from taking them out back and giving them a good solid asskicking.
5. Why do I keep buying the aforementioned "Chicken and Bacon Biscuit" when I know that a) it resembles a doughy hockey puck and not-so-coincidentally tastes like a doughy hockey puck with some grease and salt slathered on?
6. Why do I set my alarm clocks earlier than I need to get up when I know damn well I will hit the snooze button about 6 times anyway and still get up later than I should?

I could go on, but then I would be depressed, and have to go the gas station and buy some overcooked coffee and crappy biscuits, and you would be reading about me in the Dallas obituatiries in the morning, haha. And since this is the New and Improved 2007 Keith, we will be having none of that!!!

See you soon in Tyler!

insane!

2007-01-17T08:36:00.001-08:00

Ok, this vacation thing has gone on long enough. If we don't play a gig soon, and I mean like "This Saturday in Temple Soon", I am gonna go right off the deep end and began stabbing random passers-by with my new-for-Xmas 2007 Northrop-Grumman Pocket Attack Spork (with Armor Plating and Heat-Seeking Missile options).

Let me point out that I, the bassist and therefore Most Important Member of Monkeyshyne, have been ready to gig for the last several weeks, but the Less Important And Not Quite As Good Looking members of Monkeyshyne, also known to you as Baldilocks, Fluffy the Drummer, and My Favorite Mexican have been off gallivanting around endlessly. I will summarize....

Chris: I don't know exactly where he goes, he claims he went to California, New Mexico and Colorado, but him and his wife seem to always get hurt when they go out of town, so I think this whole "we're going snowboarding" or "visiting family" is just a cover for the fact that he and his wife are indeed a tag-team wrestling duo on some shady wrestling circuit that goes by the name "The Flying Clootchers"

Colin: He claims to go to Colorado to go camping, but by "Colorado" I think he means "Colombia" and by "camping" he means "decapitating my rival drug cartel leaders and stealing their women". He may seem like the lovable gentle giant with mad drum skills, but I think he picked up his drum skills from years of practice of beating on his rivals with lead pipes and midgets.

Oz: He says he's spent most of the time off by fixing up his house and visiting family, but I think what he's really up to is carrying on torrid affairs with Katie Holmes, Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson, and your mother...all at the same time. In a hot tub full of warm Cherry Jell-o.

Maybe I'm just bitter that I don't have any of these exciting side/alternate lives/occupations. I mean, I work at Dumbass Customer Hell, go to skool, visited my Pops and Little Bro for a few days, keep my roomie from drinking all my beer in the fridge, and pining wistfully that we get back to playing.

So *supposedly* we are playing this weekend in Temple, but until I am on the glorious beer-soaked stage at Bum's again, I won't believe it.

Chris just called. He was asking if I had any spare blue spandex lying around, maybe there's something to my theory, hmm.

I have a feeling that....

2007-01-09T12:55:00.001-08:00

....someday, when I'm all grown up and have become the world famous Dr. Westheimer, that this would be a typical day at the office..seeing as I have a tendency to be completely random sometimes.

Anyway. So it's now 2007, and we have collectively decided that it is gonna be a good year in monkeyshyneland. We had our first practice the other day in a while, and I was kinda thinking we might be rusty, but we were sounding pretty damn good. And we're learning some new songs that we know you'll dig. So it was a good first step. Bum's on the 20th with our boys (and girl) The Opus Flux, that will be a good time and a good first gig. Especially if we can talk Oz into wearing his new Superman Underoos he got for Christmas!

The Season of Giving....

2006-12-29T14:41:00.001-08:00

I thought that today I would write about the gifts that I gave all of the guys for Christmas before THEY wrote about them and how wonderful they were. I don't want them to steal my thunder, so heeeeeeeere we go...

As you all may know, we spend a lot of time cruising the mean streets of Texas in Run Run the Magic Bus. When you get 4 guys, 5 if Cliff or Scott are along, in an enclosed space for a long time, thinks can get...pleasantly odorous. So as we are about to undertake going on the road again, I decided I couldn't take much more of the butt exhaust of my fellow monkeydoods, so I bought the following gifts....

First, a box of charcoal-lined breathing masks...so everything just smells like charcoal. Which is not the greatest smell, but is generally way better than the inside of our van after a long ride.

Then I thought that maybe Run Run was getting tired of getting airbiscuited on, so I got some of these extra big odor-absorbing pads to tape onto her seats (using only the best duct tape available, of course)!

Then, the best present of ALL...personal Butt Deodorizing Pads!!!

I got the extra pad refills too....are these genius or what? Just use the patented charcoal deodorizer pad and adhesive thingie, and we can have odor-free "emissions"!!! And all will be happy in monkeyland once again.

And for the record...yes, these are REAL products. Just go to the Flat-D website and see for yourself! Think of what great stocking stuffers these would be for next Christmas/Hanukhah/Kwanzaa!

oh good god

2006-12-21T08:51:00.001-08:00

Could your head get any fatter? I mean, come on, you already have a tough time walking through doorways with that inflated head of yours; luckily it's full of air most of the time, kinda like a beach ball, so we can push you through doorways. Let's clear some things up first....

1. "The sun being in my eyes?" Well, sure it was, with that chrome dome of yours reflecting sunlight like a highly-polished mirror. How many times did I ask you to quit standing right next to me with your head tilted at the perfect angle to reflect the sun's glare right into my eyes? Twerp.

2. So you're perfect, huh? I agree. A perfect jackass who got lucky when the Big Guy Upstairs himself interfered with our game not once, but twice. First on your Miracle-Ass Putt, and then when he saved you from further embarrassment by putting that light pole in the way of your crappy shot right after the Putt...you know, the shot that I think was headed for southern Canada instead of the green. Living proof that He takes pity on fools and small children.

3. I'm not sure where you think playing with myself more would help. But what WOULD help is you not standing next to me trying to put your hand in my pocket while I'm swinging, claiming that you're "just looking for some change so you can buy a soda".

Hey look, I found a picture of you and your golf outfit. I mean, how could I win with you wearing those? I was laughing too hard.

how soon you forget.....

2006-12-19T09:02:00.000-08:00

As you may have heard through Chris' gloating blog, he finally beat me, for the first time EVER, at golf yesterday. Well, I gots only one thing to say....

"The sun shines on a dog's ass every once in a while".

Let me point out some key facts about yesterday's round:

1. He has never beaten me before, I have always kicked his sorry little ass before, and he is still way behind me in our Monkeyshyne World Series of Golf (Oz isn't allowed to play because he would win, and we don't want that, and Colin thinks golf is for sissy men, so it's really just the Keith and Chris World Series of Golf. Notice I put my name first before Chris, because I am a better golfer than him overall, plus I have a better ass, and lastly because I just felt like putting my name first).
2. On the hole after his God-felt-sorry-for-him Miracle Putt, he hits this horrible shot way off to the right of the green...and it hits this metal light pole and shoots 20 yards back towards the green. Arrrgh,
3. When I was too far away to do anything about it, he licked my putter handle, so whenever I putted, I just wanted to drop it as fast as I could, so I missed some easy ones due to his treachery.
4. Did I mention I had whipped his ass every time before?
5. If it wasn't for me giving you a putting tip, we would probably still be on the 4th hole, watching you 182-putt that par-4 for a sparkling 186. On one hole.

So go ahead and have your day in the sun. Just make sure you apply some SPF-40 to your head so you don't get burned.

Next time it's on. No mercy. I will put on my iPod on playing "Seek and Destroy" from Metallica on loop-play, and it'll be over before the end of the first hole, beeyotch.

drrrrooooooooool.............

2006-12-14T18:38:00.000-08:00

Well kids, my first (in a long time) finals week is almost over....3 down, 1 more to go...thank god I didn't have to take the 5th one due to the fact that the prof hates finals (I plan on writing him in on the 2008 Presidential ballot for that alone). Last one is tomorrow, whereupon I will then sell all my books back that I can and go load up on Chili Cheese Fritos and Starbuck's, and after I chow down I'm heading to Silver City to drop the rest of whatever book money is left on a chesty stripper named "Chastity" who has a tattoo saying "Cowgirl Up" on the small of her back...she says she's working her way through med school, but when I asked her if I could play with her medulla oblongatta she slapped me. Doesn't she know who she's dealing with????

But I digress. My week, in a super-condensed nutshell version...

Monday: 5am (alarm clock going off)
Me: Drool
Physics final: #17. An X-ray tech weighing 70 kilograms absorbs a 14 Gray dose of cobalt-60 with a RBE of 0.70 over a period of 130 seconds. The half life of cobalt-60 is 2.38 years. A) What is the decay constant of cobalt-60? B) What is the Biologically Equivalent Dose the doctor received, in rads? C) What is the activity of the cobalt-60 in Becquerels?***
Me: (stabs pencil in eye)
*** some of this may actually make sense, physics-wise, but by this point I was more worried about the bleeding from my eye

Tuesday 5am (alarm going off again)
Me: Snnnrkkkdroool
Biomed Science Final #12: If a pacemaker falls in a forest and no one around is there to hear it, does it make a sound?
Me: What kind of f%^&-ed up question is that???
Biomed Final #13: Just kidding. If the pacemaker weighs .92 kilograms and falls from a height of 3.7 meters, will the kinetic energy of the pacemaker hitting the forest floor affect the pacemaker's electrical output?
Me: (gurgling)

Thursday 6am (alarm going off still after I have hit snooze button about 8 times)
Me: drool
History Final #42: What was the socio-economic impact of the Dred Scott Supreme Court Decision of 1856 upon a) free blacks in the North and b) the expansion of slavery into the Kansas and Nebraska Territories?
Me: (counting holes in the ceiling tiles)

You should sense a pattern here.

In all actuality, I think I have managed to do all right / guess out my ass pretty well, except for the physics final, it was insane-o. If you see me drinking heavily, it's probably because I'm having nightmares about some dead old guy's theory on quantum mechanics that I will never use nor need again in my life. Which is good, because I immediately forgot it upon exiting the room.

One more tomorrow....political science! Then done. Then drink time! Hopefully will see you all on the road at a bar near you!

this is your brain.....and this your brain on monkeyshyne

2006-12-11T14:21:00.000-08:00

Wow, we racked up a $240 bar tab the other night...I knew I had socked away a few drinks before the show, I don't recall exactly what or how much of it. I think I at some point or another did a few Shiners, a shot of Crown, at least 3 Jaeger Bombs, some tequila along the way (I can't remember the circumstances of it exactly), switched to water while we were playing but then went right back to Shiner....we won't even talk about the near-seizures I had on stage while we were on, due to rotating flashing multi-colored stage lights flying around all over the place.

I kinda felt like this in the morning....

Even better was having to get up and go into work the next day, where I promptly had a 120lb couch that was standing on its end fall over on me, but due to my cat-like (even while hungover) reflexes, managed to avoid getting pancaked.

But anyway....had a blast Saturday night at Firewater, thanks to everyone who made it out! I didn't get to hang out with everyone as much as I wanted to, but I hope everyone had a great time!

i'm getting kinda tingly

2006-12-07T09:38:00.000-08:00

That's because life as we know it is about to change this Saturday night...well, maybe that's a bit of an overstatement, but hey we are going to blow the roof off Firewater Saturday night, fo sho'. The CD release shows are always the best, everyone comes out, and some people drive crazy distances to come see us, and that just makes you feel good. For me, it's not in an ego way, but in a "wow these people dig us this much" way or a "the music says something to them to make them want to drive X miles to see us" way, which is badass.

I remember the first CD show I did with the 'shyne was for Potato Salad at the Curtain Club....March of '05...and it was one of those nights where it was freezing, raining, and windy...and yet 140ish people came out to Deep Ellum to see us and our now infamous picnic table tear it up. Well, the picnic table just kind of sat there, but it did look really badass. Not to mention it was the first show where I had played with monkeyshyne in front of more than about 20 people, and I think I peed down my leg from excitement, haha, but that's another story.

Anyhow, hope to see everyone that can make it on Saturday night....be there, or be an equilateral four-sided geometric shape! Ok, that was lame, but I'll leave it in.

Peace!

Damn you, Colin

2006-12-02T07:58:00.001-08:00

Well, for some reason Colin decided to break the silence and tell everyone on the 'net about my background...you see, before I became a bass player extrordinaire and spork-wielding killing machine in the military, I came from a small but festive land called Sporkville. Its location is secret, kind of like the Land of Oz (not 'the Oz', but as in flying monkey and wicked witches Oz)....if you clink two shot glasses full of Jaeger together on a certain day when the stars are aligned and the moon is in Uranus (get it?), you get magically transported there. But I'm not telling which certain day, or we will suddenly be overcome by camera-wielding tourists, and we from Sporkville certainly don't want that.

But I digress...yes, I did go home for most of the last month to Sporkville, and much fun was had. I chased around flowered virgins, trying to deflower them (they like this, trust me), drank more Jaeger than you can possibly imagine...Jaeger actually used to be called "licorice schnapps in a green bottle", but stories leaked out of Sporkville (due to an undercover German reporter) about the mass quantities of now-Jaeger that I used to drink as a young lad, and they wrote about the "Jaeger Meister" and his amazing drinking feats during the annual Burro Fiesta, mistakenly assuming that the tasty drink was called 'Jaeger'....little did they know that the natives of Sporkville didn't call me that for my drinking ability..."jaeger meister" literally translated means "hunting master" and was a glorious reference to me and the aforementioned recently deflowered virgins :) But the company that made "licorice schnapps in a green bottle" thought the name was cool. So when you drink some Jaeger, now you know where the name came from.

Crap, I digressed again. Anyway, I have sobered up from my month long bender and will be in Temple (my former home for a coupla years) at Bum's with the guys, as well as Opus Flux (formerly Frolic) for an evening of drinking

frosty the bass player

2006-11-30T20:53:00.000-08:00

....that's what i felt like after having to work outside loading a truck tonight....it was sumbitchin' cold out there! What's funny is that I did winter stints for work in Vancouver and Bosnia and Kosovo (all balls cold in the winter) and lived for a long time in Minneapolis back in the day, when weather like this is actually not bad...I remember standing out waiting for the bus one morning in Minneapolis when it was literally -23 out...and that wasn't counting the windchill. When it's that cold, you don't dare touch anything bare metal if you can help it...and never get gas on your bare skin when it's cold like that out, you can give yourself instant frostbite. Which ranks right up there with syphilis and Barry Manilow in the 'Things That Are Total Bummers' category.

Speaking of Frosty, look very carefully at his hand and that broomstick, what the hell is going on????? No wonder he looks so friggin' jolly.

Anyway, what will NOT be cold is our show on Sat night at Bum's in Temple for our Temple CD Release for "Last Stand", should definitely be good times! See youse kids there.

Episode IX: Attack of the Sporks

2006-11-21T21:25:00.000-08:00

Holy crap! There is actually a semi-official spork website out there....although I was very upset to see that they did not mention my famous Mk-VII Attack Spork (with laser sight and bayonet attachment). I will have to visit their corporate website headquarters, and spork them repeatedly in the jugular until they see the humongous error of their ways.

http://sonic.net/~ian/Spork/spork.faq.html

So anyway, there are two new songs from our new CD "Last Stand" on our myspace page at www.myspace.com/monkeyshyne. It seems like a year ago that we were sweating it out (literally) in the studio, so it's nice to hear the final product. Feel free to check them out...I'll find out if you don't. And then, one night, while you're snoozing happily away, thinking you're safe and sound in your little bed, I will low crawl in with my trusty spork in my teeth ala Rambo and, well, it'll be all over. Next thing you know, you'll be chatting with St. Peter (or Buddha/Mohammed/Captain Crunch, whatever your preferred deity is).

As Jennifer and Tricia from Tyler know, it is not wise to anger the spork...

some random things....

2006-11-12T09:58:00.000-08:00

...when I usually sit down to write a blog, I initially have absolutely no idea what I'm going to write about...it usually just comes to me in a flash and off I go.

So I've been sitting here, waiting. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Nothing inspirational, as Colin likes to put it (sorry I stole your world, buddy).

So time for some random thoughts, at which I excel at.

- We had to cancel a gig this weekend, something we almost never, EVER do, but Chris got offered a full-expenses paid trip to Disney Land that would be over the weekend. Normally I would SO make fun of this idea, Chris going to Disney Land, but it was for a damn good cause. As you know, Chris is the chief computer toad for Kidd Kraddick and works at the station, and every year Kidd takes a bunch of terminally ill or very ill kids to Disney World, as their parents usually can't afford it. He asked Chris to come along, so I'll let Baldilocks slide on this one. What was weird is that Chris couldn't bring his wife, so here's his chance to make out with Snow White and she would never know, haha. But seriously, if you want to know more about Kidd's Kids, go to the Kidd's Kids website here.

- Speaking of cancelling gigs, we shoulda cancled that San Angelo gig last July and gone camping, in retrospect.

- We will be doing our Temple CD release on December 2nd at Bum's, along with our buds Frolic. Hopefully they will have iced the Jaeger down extra-special cold that night.

- Big CD release show for Dallas on Dec 9th at Firewater!!! You don't want to miss this. I just went there last night for Miser's CD release (very good band, by the way) and not only did they have a good sound guy working, they have a new light rig that's pretty damn cool. The old one is still sitting on the top back of the stage, but is non-operational, so Cliff, you won't have to risk death by electrical shock or exploding extension cord next time around.

- Chris just called me from Disney Land. Apparently Snow White gave him a good backhand when he tried to get frisky with her...then he tried to show her his "Little Dwarf" Tiny. She started laughing. Then backhanded him again.

- Ok, that's it for now. It feels weird just chilling every weekend instead of playing, but we kinda needed it too. See you soon on various stages!

The guv'nor supports monkeyshyne!

2006-10-31T08:16:00.000-08:00

After seeing Colin's post, I decided to go to ask.com and see what I would come up with for monkeyshyne...and lo and behold, there we were, indirectly listed on Gov. Rick "My Hair Wouldn't Budge in a Hurricane" Perry's website! I'm not a Senor Perry fan, but I'll lighten up on him a tiny bit, seeing as he seems to have good taste in music...

http://www.governor.state.tx.us/divisions/music/musicians/talent/talentm2.htm

http://www.governor.state.tx.us/divisions/music/directory/radio/localshows.htm (we're listed way down on the page under the Texas Buzz listing for 94.5FM/KTBZ out of Houston).

We didn't even know Slick Rick loved us.

But it's a cool site, apparently it is run by the Texas Music Office (hell, I didn't even know there was such a thing) that was created by congressional mandate in order to promote and network music industry peoples, wow. Check it out to see some of the local radio stations/shows/resources in your neck of the woods, who knows, you may just discover something new and cool.

University of Monkeyshyne

2006-10-30T09:17:00.000-08:00

So...there I was in my "Musicians and Pimpitude: An Exploration of Your Mojo" class today, when I noticed someone sitting next to me I had never seen before....hey! it's Colin! That's right, my drummer and buddy is in the same class as me, working to further improve the already near-deadly effectiveness of his Mojo with the ladies.

But then, disaster struck...we had an unannounced pop quiz....and this very interesting verbal exchange followed. Please note that any similarities between cartoon characters and real people are coincidental, and no pickles or Chili Cheese Fritos were harmed during the filming of this feature...

The Midnight Ride of RunRun Revere...

2006-10-23T13:35:00.000-07:00

...ok, so well it's usually way after midnight when we leave gigs, and RunRun's last name isn't Revere, but seeing as I'm taking a history class right now, it seemed to fit.

As many of you know, RunRun is our trusty road steed. Sure, she may have a slightly ghetto half black/half white paint job complete with runs (done in Chris' driveway, no less), funky red velour captain's chairs, no radio, questionable brakes (ohmygodwe'regoingtodieeeeeeee!!!!), carpet that has had countless frenchfries ground into it (among other things, use your imagination), no cruise control, and until recently A/C that was about as effective as a fly farting on you (ironic, as we just fixed it and now don't need it so much). Oh yes, and let's not forget that anytime we park somewhere, there's invariably a puddle of some mystery engine-related liquid that magically appears beneath her.

But RunRun is our girl...she's never left us stranded...almost once, but Chris fixed the brakes by the side of the road with a drumstick and a hacksaw blade (really).

So the other night, when we were leaving Dallas, RunRun wouldn't go into drive all the way...I got her out of Chris' driveway, but then we got stuck at the alley/street intersection. Colin had to push us backwards for a minute, then we got it to go. Hmm, we say, but she drove fine on the way there.

After our S Lounge gig, she was being cranky. Maybe because it was balls cold outside in Wichita Falls at 2:30am the other night, but she wouldn't stay in drive...or go into it, in the first place. Chris drove all the way home constantly shifting through the gears, trying to get her to engage in "drive". We limped home late in the chilly morning, whereupon RunRun gave a loud sigh and promptly pooped a puddle of transmission fluid on Chris' driveway.

So everyone tonight, light a little candle and send warm, fuzzy thoughts to RunRun....I think she needs some love!

p.s. RunRun told me she would like it if you visited her MySpace!

Guess what I found?

2006-10-19T15:56:00.000-07:00

Today, as I was cleaning out our storage room in our practice space (which is an utter lie, but I have to start the story somehow) I ran across all of our old pictures from when we were all kids...that's right, we all grew up together, you know (really, we did)....went to the same elementary school, rode the same short yellow bus, stole other kids' lunch money in the cafeteria, and we were one helluva dodgeball team...we ruled the playground.

The first picture I found was Oz's. Wow look at him...he's pimp and one sexy motherf$%^$# even way back then...look at the pimp silk tie...the shades...the look. The little girls all swooned every time he walked by, and giggled and offered to share their pudding cups with him at lunch, although I'm not quite sure if any us really knew if it was their "pudding cups" they were offering....hey, we were 6.

Next, I reached in and found one of Colin. He was sporting the rocker-hairdo even back then, and representin' THE superhero, you know, Batman. He had his drummer gloves ready to go, and even though his mom wouldn't give him a drumset quite yet, he would beat on anything with his set of drumsticks (they were actually Tinkertoy sticks then, but hey it was a start), to include coffee cans, pickle jars, and the family cat. He also taught us to talk cool, and taught us words like "holla", "peace out", and "hey baby wanna see the inside of our van?" even though I think Run-Run (our van) was just a twinkle in Ford's eye at the time.

Next I found one of, hey that's me! Man, was I drinking coffee and smoking even when I was 6? Apparently so. Although Mom wouldn't allow me to wear my favorite "heathen" Metallica t-shirt, I would hide it over at my buddy Chris' house and wore it every day. I think I look mad in this pic because Colin kept calling me "Robin the Gay Boy Wonder" and would try to kick my ass...hence him having a black eye in his picture, haha.

Last, but definitely not least, was a pic of our buddy Chris. He looks like he was born ready to rock! That is a $29 Sears guitar he got for his 6th birthday...I think he even slept with it, and took it to the bathroom with him...ewww. Anyway, he was sporting his favorite AC/DC shirt too, which he got away with wearing in his house by telling his parents it stood for "All Cats Devour Cookies", very slick, huh? Yes, Baldilocks had hair once upon a time! I personally think he doesn't miss it one bit, all the chicks seem to like rubbing his dome and purring "mmmm" to him these days.

To Harley, or not to Harley....

2006-10-16T15:17:00.000-07:00

....that is the question.

Chris had to take his Harley into the shop the other day, so I followed him up there so he could drop it off. While I was waiting on him to do his thing, I was wandering around the lot, they were having some sort of sale. There were some badass mofo-ing bikes up there, and once again I caught myself wanting one. Or just a bike in general.

Then I flash back about 13 years, to when I did used to ride...I've had 2 bikes in the past...first one was a Honda V45 Magna, which I learned to ride on. Back in the day, this was a badass bike with a lot of power, so it was kind of learning to drive, but in a Corvette. Scared the S#$% out of me sometimes. Then I traded that in on a Yamaha FZR750...at the time, was one of the baddest sport bikes around. I rode that thing all over until one special day, when a dimwitted piece of poo driving a red Chevy Cavalier (I'll never forget it) changed lanes into me, and I had nowhere to immediately go in that split second. I tried to hit the brakes enough for her to not plow into me without locking the brakes full up (bad on a bike when you're doing about 65) but no luck. Next thing I knew I was in the hospital with a major concussion, a busted wrist, and bruises all over. The guy in a truck a bit behind me saw the whole thing, and said that after a part of my bike ricocheted off the ground during the skid, it flipped, launching me Superman-style over the side, down the highway, where apparently I slid for about 100-150ft. I was lucky I got off relatively easy, and that I was wearing a helmet, or I woulda suffered more damage to my noggin' than I probably already have done myself, haha.

So anyway, I always get in these damn internal debates about motorcycles. I want one, because I miss riding...but then I think about the idiots on the road who hit motorcyclists all the time, not to mention I get nervous when I get in traffic due to aforementioned accident, not to really mention the fact that Dallas drivers are insane. I figured I made it this far, through a few combat zones, I don't want to be done in by someone fiddling with their radio or putting on their eyeliner while driving, and then mow me down because they're not paying attention.

On that note, keep an eye out for motorcyclists when you're driving...take that extra sec to look over your shoulder to make sure that Chris isn't cruising along in Hog-heaven right next to you!

ok, that's it...I must vent!

2006-10-12T09:57:00.000-07:00

As you all may know, us monkeyboys (with one Oz notable exception Oz who will Oz remain nameless Oz) are all on myspace....I originally got on there because of the band, and I now also keep in touch with new friends, old friends from all over, and people I used to be in the Air Force with. It's also a great tool for keeping up with shows from other bands....you can see where band X is playing at on Y date, so on and so forth.

But there's one BAD thing about myspace (well, besides that damn "Sorry! We have encountered a technical error! This message has been forwarded to our lazy ass technical department!" message). Bulletins. EVIL bulletins. Ok, well they're not all evil, some are downright funny as hell...but I'm getting tired of seeing these sappy lovey-dovey bulletins float around.

Oops...where did that come from? Anyway, the latest sappy one listed 50 things a guy should do for a girl. I've seen this bulletin posted literally 20 times before, all by women (SURPRISE! haha) but one of them made me almost barf a little in the back of my throat :)

"Give her the world". Oh come on now, that's a bit much, don't you think?? And then I thought, hey this would be a funny situation....

Dude (D): Umm hey I got you something.
Chick (C): Really? Is it sparkly and shiny???
D: Well, I guess certain parts of it could be, if the electricity is on.
C: Really? Is it diamond earrings? An engagement ring?
D: Uh no. It's even better!
C: (squealing and jumping up and down) really honey? is it tickets to Paris? My own pony??
D: No...I'm giving you the world!!!
C: What?
D: (whips out Earth from behind his back and thumps it down on Chick's shoulders, nearly crushing her to death, and her pet Yorkie Sadie-poo as well) there you go baby, I gave you the world!
C: Ooof! (topples over and is crushed to death by Sri Lanka)

So ladies...be careful what you wish for!

I have returned

2006-10-09T09:47:00.000-07:00

So, after a brief internal power struggle which pitted Baldilocks against the Boys, the blogs for the rest of us are back. This is a momentous occasion, of course, on par with the Battle of the Bulge, the American Revolution, and the Invention of Chili Cheese Fritos (whch I would like to point out, I did indeed eat on the way to Wichita Falls this past weekend). To comemmorate our Blog Victory, I would like to post a photo that was taken as we waded ashore after leaping off our Mark-VII Assault MLC (MonkeyLandingCraft) yesterday after defeating the Axis of Evi...I mean Chris....

...so in the end, us non-Chris-types won the battle....and apparently I need to lay off the Chili Cheese Fritos too.

X-Rays 'R Us

2006-09-29T21:59:00.000-07:00

So there I was, bumming around the Internet (when I should have been doing other things) when I ran across some sites with funny or cool X-ray images.

I thought this was just kind of a cool pic...reminds me of something you'd see on a Tool album (you know, the greatest band ever)

Here's a cool one of a lizard...

Umm, it may not be a good idea to harpoon a fish while you're holding it.....

The weapon of evil telemarketers everywhere......

DOH!!! The truth revealed!

Well, not an X-ray, but it's kinda funny....

And last but not least....what the hell was this person thinking?
"Hey, I'm gonna pop open a nice frosty Coke and jam the bottle up my ass!"???I bet THAT would be fun to explain to your health insurance company. What's even better is that this person has an artificial hip!

I'm all outta randomness, so I'm out until the next time!

It's amazing...

2006-09-26T15:53:00.003-07:00

....how stupid people are sometimes.

I just recently went through my first wave of tests at UNT, oh joy. I did really well on two of them and just took another today that I think I did all right on. So the studying apparently paid off.

But the best part, or most amusing I should say, was when they were giving us our tests back the other day. Okay, come with me people, and imagine you're at a semi-major university and taking your first big test...what would be the first thing you do when getting your test? (hint: the professor says, quote: "when you get your test, make sure to put your name on your test!"). That's right. 12 people in my class did NOT put their names on their test.

Issue #2. In one of the tests, there 4 versions of the test. It said it right at the top in big bold f%^&ing letters, "THIS IS VERSION B". Professor says no less than three times, "make sure you fill in the bubble on your Scantron for your version, or you will probably get a poopy score" (ok, so that's not an exact quote). I must point out that she said this at least three times. Fairly important, huh?

Guess what? That's right. Several dunderheads failed this overwhelming test. One person also not only failed to put their version down, but forgot their name as well. I said to myself that that person should get a 50 pt deduction for being a total assclown.

Ok, that's all, just wanted to share that little slice of college life with yall. Back to the books with me, oh yay.

Operation Monkeyshyne

2006-09-19T17:12:00.000-07:00

For some reason today, I was thinking about all the crap going on in Iraq on the way home from skool today, and how glad I was that my ass (apparently a nice one, according to Colin) is not over there again. But due Oz's blog earlier where Chris was referenced as "Colonel Asshole" or something like that, I started imagining what it would be like if we, monkeyshyne, went into combat together.

(bouncing around on the way to the front in a armored Humvee)

Chris: Man, it's frigging hot. Good thing we have cruise control on our Hummer, Colin, instead of the A/C we coulda fixed...we can roll easily at 60mph in sweaty style.
Colin: Screw you, buddy. You're not the one making the long drives at 6am back to base, you're drooling in one of the back seats fast asleep.
Keith: Oh good God, shut the hell up. Has anyone seen me Mk-VII Combat Spork? I can't find it.
Oz: Hey Colin, can you try to not hit so many rocks and holes in the desert? I'm trying to do my toenails in the latest color, Chameleon Camo...it's all the rage in Paris, I hear.
Chris: I think we redesign these uniforms to look like camouflaged Boy Scout Uniforms...that would so rock!
Colin: You know how I know you're gay?
Oz: I am not gay!
Keith: He wasn't talking to you, Oz.
Oz: Oh sorry...hey, here's your spork sticking out of Colin's assault pack.
Keith: What the hell, buddy? Trying to steal my trusty Attack Spork?
Colin: Well, I lost mine...my lighter and spork were about to fall out the window, and it was lighter or spork, but not both...I went for the lighter.

(BOOM!)

Oz: Hey, we're under attack? How's my hair??? I gotta look good in combat, you know!
Chris: It looks super, buddy....RETURN FIRE!!!"

(the monkeyshyne boys leap out of the Hummer and lay down withering return fire against the insurgents led by Abu-dali Achbar-Poopnugistan).

Chris: Got another one! Hey I'm outta ammo...Colin, you got anymore?
Colin: As soon as I'm done with my smoke, buddy. Anyone seen my Mountain Dew?
Keith: I think it took a RPG round, buddy....I think...it's.....gone.
Colin: NOOOOOOOOooooooooo!
Oz: Hey guys, I think I broke a nail..anyone have a nail file?

(the boys successfully repel the insurgent attack, and and hop back in their truck and go on their merry way)

hmmm...maybe we should just stick to playing music, haha.

tool time

2006-09-15T18:57:00.000-07:00

So last night, my homie Christian Rawkk and I went to see my favorite band, Tool...wow. These guys are sick, how good they are, musician-wise. I don't think I heard a missed beat, a flubbed note, an off-key vocal (even though the singer Maynard was sick), or anything...nada zip zilch null. They were so tight it was crazy, and when you consider that most of the songs they do are in odd-meter time and they change time signatures so often, even more amazing. And they had a killer lights-and-effects show too. Very understated in a way, but very badass and intense.

But it was a killer show...we good great seats, thanks Steve. Although I think it's safe to say that we coulda done without the teenage stoner couple in front of us who made out the entire time in front of us and barely watched the show, haha. What a waste of ticket $$$, you asses!

On the way home we were talking about how badass they were as musicians, and I think it just re-lit the fire under my ass to start practicing more like I used to...if I could ever be 50% of the musician that Justin (the bass player from Tool) is, I would be a happy man, and I would be the man.

Peace out! Come check us out at our all-ages gig at the Ridglea Theater in Fort Worth tomorrow night!

Diary of a Madman

2006-09-11T13:08:00.000-07:00

Deer Diary,

Today I am a happy bass player. My keepers, I mean my friends, Colin, Ozkar, and Christian Rawkk let me out my cage, I mean "nice travel case" to let me bash on my 5-stringied thingy in front of reel peeple! We even played real songs, I am so happy. They even let me have an extra slice of Wonderbread, because I didn't break anything or set fire to anything or punch anyone in the soul. I was sad when it was all over though...they put me back into my "nice travel case" and said don't you make any more noise until next weekend, if your gud we might let you out to play at the Ridglea Theater if you are a good ogre, I mean bass player. I am sorry if there any typoes, because as a bassist I sometimes drool and it gets on the keyboard and I can't ytpe so good anyway. But last weekend was real fun and I hope we can see the nice people of Wichita Falls again, but onyl if they promise not to try to paint anyone's toenails again as that is very unogrely, I mean, un-bass playerey.

bye everybody! it's really not so bad in there, Colin gives me water every three days and a little bag to "do my business" in, although i don't know what he means, i don't have any money in dere.

intersections

2006-09-06T21:57:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the delay in my blogging, thankfully Christian Rawkk (the two Ks are important) has been keeping up. I've been busy getting back into the swing of things at school. It's been so long since I've done the full-time deal that keeping track of all the crap I have to do for four classes is time-consuming, especially since one prof is Satan embodied and has decided we need lots of stuff to do every night, the hooker.

Anyway, I was sitting in my back yard staring at the sky, and kinda felt small for a second. How many other people in the world were looking up at the moon or the same stars at that moment? A bunch, I bet. Then you start thinking how many people are around, and how easy it would be to get lost completely in the shuffle.

Then I started thinking about my good friends. Not really the acquaintances, but the good friends. Since I'm taking physics right now and we've been talking about lines of electric intersection, imagine everyone's lives are a long line....and with all the peoples in the world, how many billions of lines are running through it. Then think about how, out of all of those billions of lines, how your line randomly intersected with some others, usually by coincidence. And if weren't for those random intersections, we would have never met so-and-so and become friends with them.

Amen for intersections.

I've got some great friends...some are here in Dallas, and a lot of others scattered around. Temple/Killeen. Minnesota. The UK. Washington. Oklahoma. Georgia. France. Montana. Some other places. Some I've just met, relatively speaking. One I've known for 20 years, literally (here's to you, Red). And I wouldn't trade 'em for anything. I think enjoying life, or at least not being miserable at it, is more about the relationships/friendships we have with others close to us, more than anything else. I mean, if you were filthy rich, but had no friends...that would suck, to me anyway.

So here's to my friends. Especially you f$%^ers in the band. Even though I want to knife you all with a spork sometimes, haha.

back to skool

2006-08-28T18:50:00.000-07:00

So today was my first day of school at UNT in Denton...I've taken some night classes over my years in the Air Force, but this is the first time in almost 15 years I've gone to school full-time during the day with the kids.

So my alarm clock goes off at 6am. Smack alarm clock viciously. Stagger around house looking for coffee. Wander into closet before remembering the key fact that the coffee machine is actually in the kitchen. Make coffee and eat some cereal. Take shower (remember to wash between toes). Put clothes on. Remember that using towel BEFORE putting on clothes is a really good idea. Walk out to car. It's raining, of course. Drive to UNT. Wander around aimlessly until time for first class at 8am, political science. It's a freshman-level class, and although I'm almost a senior, I've never taken a second political science class like Texas universities require. Plop in seat with coffee. Notice that the people sitting to my right and left could almost be my kids, age-wise. Stare off into space while instructor bounces around cheerfully (I have dubbed her Satan already). Class is over, whee. I have to read 30 pages tonight, yay!

Really raining out now. Could take my umbrella out of my backpack, but remember if I can survive ice storms in Bosnia and the Middle East, who needs an umbrella. Stomp through several puddles as I am wearing rubber flip flops and I don't care. Second class is Physics II. Professor resembles what you would imagine a middle-aged physics professor with a combover to be. Contemplate the ceiling tiles for a while. Finish coffee. Scribble some notes about Coulomb's Law. Did you know that the Chinese discovered magnetism in approximately 2000 B.C. (Before Chris)? File that info away for future use in Jeopardy. Discover the neato tidbit that there are 6.25 x 10 to the 18th power protons in a Coulomb. Write this out in my notebook...that is 6,250,000,000,000,000,000 protons. Holy shit, what are those protons doing, humping like bunnies? Class is over. Go out wrong side of building and walk a block before I realize I'm going awaaaay from my car. Day 1 complete!

So tomorrow is History and German...I will have to refrain from using our new language we invented in a heat-induced delirium on the way back from Wichita Falls this past weekend, Sperman. I'm sure the teacher will frown on me asking cute girls, "Willst du meine grande Pipi sehen?" Would be funny but not good-grade conducive, haha.

Wish me luck. I'm outta here.

re-butt-al

2006-08-22T15:04:00.000-07:00

Okay, Christian Rawkk, you got me on that one. And I do know that Colin gets all smiley when you wear your rawker jeans that have holes in the butt, haha.

But think of it this way....imagine one of our beautiful fans who admire a picture of us (or at least pretended to) staring at a picture longingly before they drift off to sleep, or better yet, before they take a shower (complete with heated detachable massage wand). Would they rather see a pic of smooth, suave Chris(tian) - or The Oz, Colin, or myself, whatever their flavor is, haha - or a pic of goofy Chris(tian) with his fingers jammed up his nose???

Let's use this famous pic for example....do you think that Ginger went home that night and dreamt about: me, giving her a big monkeyhug, or you with your finger jammed three knuckles deep in your ear? ha!
Then again, different strokes for different folks.

Time to rock it out this weekend, my fellow monkeydudes, enough with this studio noise!

Don't worry Oz, I got your back

2006-08-18T22:48:00.000-07:00

It seems that our favorite Oz has been called out because of his so-called antics when being photographed and blowing photo ops with his goofiness. This struck me as kind of odd, 'cause I sure do seem to remember someone else in the band blowing more photo ops than anyone else...

let's see....
yep...one bald guy in white sticking his finger in his ear like a retard (my apologies to any retards besides me who are viewing this)

next....wow this is so gay, I can't even describe it.ok...that one shook me up. Next we have...yep, you guessed it...
Leave it Chris(tian) to botch a shot with the beautiful ladies in it...although Oz looks like Colin may be giving him "The Shocker" behind the scenes.

So Oz buddy, I got your back. Don't let the Pasty Baldy call you out! Now you got ammo to fight back!!!

tasty

2006-08-15T22:49:00.000-07:00

Ok kids, as you may have gleaned, we have been in the studio lately...we're almost done with the recording, except some harmony vocals and some minor but EXTREMELY IMPORTANT (of course) bass and drum stuff on a secret song that will remain nameless but will knock your little bobby socks off. Anyway, I digress. I have a copy of a rough mix (not that's it rough, just not mxed and mastered) first cut...popped it into my car CD player the other day, and...

frigging wow.

As previously discussed, we are a live band...obviously we can do the studio, because we sound pimptasticular on CDs, haha...but we love the live shows, as evidenced by recent shows in Tyler, Temple, the Firewater here in Dallas, and can't forget the Falls.

But this CD, even in rough form, smokes some of the older finished ones we've done. I'm all tingly at just thinking about how good this is gonna sound when it's all said and finished.

All four of us dislike the studio atmosphere because it's so nerve-wracking, literally. But once it all comes together, like this one is starting to...well, you won't be disappointed. Some kickass new songs, and two 'classics' that will knock your jaw right to the floor when you hear them!

so I'm off to bed, to dream of our next CD release show.....

emissions whaaaaat?

2006-08-09T17:40:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I discovered inadvertently (and the hard way) about emissions testing on cars in the Dallas area. I got my car registration renewal in the mail about 6 weeks ago when I still lived in Temple, but yes, I was lazy, and told myself, "I'll just wait until I move to Dallas and do it there" as I have to change my address and get a new driver's license anyway.

So off I go yesterday to get the safety inspection we Texans all know and love...When they tell me my inspection is gonna be $39, I was kind of shocked. It's only $12 every time I did it in Temple. Ohhh, there's "emissions testing". Ok, no worries I think. My car is in pretty good shape and runs fine. But then guess what? I fail. Because my computer on my car says something like "Error Code 14401: Transmogrification Splenetic Bypass Auxiliary Injector Muffin Valve faulty."

WHAT?

So off I go to a service center to get it fixed. After a $90 diagnostic test in which they told me "hey your computer says "Error Code 14401: Transmogrification Splenetic Bypass Auxiliary Injector Muffin Valve faulty", so it must be bad" - gee thanks guys I already knew that - and then $75 in labor and then $107 for a part that probably cost Audi $9.95 to make...and then like 30 bucks in taxes (because the state isn't happy enough with getting $39 for a safety inspection from me). Grand Totale? $303.47. Ow.

So I'm out $300 but hey my car's Muffin Valve is A-OK. Sorry Oz, I was going to whisk you away on a Vegas weekend getaway, but not anymore. You can thank the state of Texas and some bad muffins.

black and white

2006-08-07T08:22:00.001-07:00

...not as in the po-lice are after us, but a tale of two stages, so to speak.

Saturday we were in the studio all day, and Colin and I laid down all the drum and bass tracks for our new CD. Playing in the studio is completely and utterly different than playing live....playing live, you feed off the crowd's energy, the lights, the sound /PA system, the adrenaline....in the studio, none of that is there. All it is, is you, your guitar/drums/microphone, headphones, and a recording device that is unforgiving. Every single mis-fret, mistake, out-of-tune note...all gets caught. You have to be dead-on perfect as you can be...like the first song Colin and I recorded is a song we know extremely well. We must have played it in practice or live a few hundred times. And yet there I was, heart racing and saying to myself "ohgodpleasedon'tbotchthis" as we recorded. And you know what? I totally screwed up in the same spot three times in a row. Fantastic! So then you have to go back and record it again and again to get it right. And then when you do finally get it right, it's almost this sense of relief, like "holy @#$% I'm glad that's over, take that you stupid microphone!"

And then we turned around, after a full day of studio work and rock out like madmonkeys at the Firewater Saturday night....it was just a really cool vibe, with all the different bands that were there, the fashion show, and then getting to play. We just went nuts playing and put on our sparkly shiny rockstar shoes (we beat up some of the models and stole their shoes) and tore it up. The crowd was great and stuck around late into the evening to see and hang out with us....much props to everyone who came out, or drove all the way from various places (like the FALLS!) to come see us, you rock. Good times alllllll around.

But it was just kinda odd or funny to go from one extreme, as far as playing atmosphere, to the other back-to-back. I definitely like playing live better, and I think the other guys would agree...not to mention drinking Jaeger in the studio is probably not a good thing, haha, so the live playing definitely has a leg up in that department...

so another weekend down, many more to go....someone better warn Click's in Tyler to restock on their Jaeger, 'cause we are a-coming to town....

Studio 54

2006-08-05T08:07:00.000-07:00

...As in, we're back in the studio (sweet), and the number of pics Chuckliff did NOT take yesterday, due to him pulling an Ashlee Simpson (read: space braining) and leaving his camera on Baldilocks' kitchen table.

So we packed up Run Run the Magic Bus with all of our gear and hauled off to our favorite studio last night, Deep Ellum Studios. Now I must mention the ride down to the studio yesterday. Time? 5:30pm on a Friday in Dallas rush-hour traffic. Temperature outside? About 102. Run Run's air conditioning status? Barely functional. Temperature inside of Run Run? About 120. Holy crap, by the time we took Chris' shortcut to get off the jam-packed freeway and rolled sweating buckets up to the studio, we were all about to die. We dove into Craig's studio and blessedly cold A/C and unloaded our gear....whew. Barely made it.

But man, once we get in there, we all immediately get stoked..it's like there's something in the air once you get into a studio...we all get jazzed about laying down our songs onto disc, and this one is gonna be a good one....you will not be disappointed, we can tell already, when we're all done. I'll update as often as I can on the trials, tribulations, good times, goofiness, and eating habits of your favorite monkeyboys in the studio...

I'm out for now....but before I go, here's a pic of Colin's drums all set up and miked for the upcoming work...sorry to steal your camera thunder Cliff, but at least one of us had a camera, hahahahaha.

On the road again

2006-08-01T10:59:00.000-07:00

Well, we finally nailed Colin and Oz down in one spot long enough to play a gig, after a nearly three week hiatus, and we had a ball. We learned some important facts at our gig in Temple:

1. Chris can swear at people if they didn't like us, and no one will leave.
2. Oz giggles like a school girl after having three JaegerBombs in about 15 minutes.
3. So do I.
4. Chris will always laugh if you yell "buddyyyy!!!!" at him in the middle of a song on stage.
5. And he will try to mess with me during my little solo riff in 'Blister In The Sun'.
6. The longer we play, the better we sound. Maybe it's the JaegerBombs mentioned in #2.
7. Colin will become Vanilla C and throw down some mean raps.
8. I will get molested by the audience during 'Blister'. Very tragic.
9. I'm drawing a blank here.
10. The people that come to see us at Bum's are some of the best damn fans out there...always a pleasure. When's the next time we play there again?

For some strange reason that will remain nameless, as we are a family-oriented band, I slept the entire next day...it mighta had something to do with not getting back to Dallas until 6 am....but it might not have. If you have heard one of our newer songs we've played a few times, you *might* just know why!

I'm off to go look for some Chili Cheese Fritos....

FORE!

2006-07-25T10:25:00.000-07:00

So the other day Baldilocks and I decided to go out and play some golf at a course in Lewisville....now it was one of those scorchin' hot days last week at 3 in the afternoon, I think it was a sizzlin'104 degrees out. But did that deter us? Hell No! (which is a killer older monkeyshyne song, by the way). So off we went. We knew it was gonna be interesting when we pulled up and there were literally 2 cars in the parking lot, and I think one of them was the old geezer's behind the counter...I mean, who in their right mind would play golf when it's 104 out? That's right, us!

So off we go, after getting a cart and loading up on water (we sure as hell weren't gonna walk it)...we had a blast. I crushed one of my drives out into the street on one hole. Chris hit this worm-burning line drive off the tee once that initially looked like a crappy shot, but it went straight and kept bouncing and ended up on the green (it mighta been ugly, but hey he parred the hole!). Twice I hit nice tee shots and Chris told me it went over the green, and twice I was bummed and then found my ball...on the green (need to get those eyes checked, buddy). We both made some good putts and some terrible ones, although Chris made like a 15-foot putt which was the best. I cranked another tee shot off of a cartpath and that thing ricocheted off into the woods like a squirrel on crack. Chris hit one shot way off to the side, and I went down the other side, we met on the green and he was laughing and saying it was his 7th shot to get there, oops.

In the end I beat him, 40 to 49, but I've played more than he has, once he practices some more, I can see us duking it out in Death Matches and betting money (even if just a quarter or a beer) to have trash talking rights. Golf is frigging hard and frustrating sometimes, I once threw my sand wedge into a lake (that's why I don't have one these days)....but it's also a fun way to get out and have some fun.

trading places

2006-07-22T13:48:00.000-07:00

Seeing as The Oz and Big Sexy C are off gallivanting around TX and hindering us from playing any gigs, Chris and I were sitting around this morning talking about how that although I'm a bassist and he's a singer/guitarist, how we like to play other instruments (BAND instruments, Colin, not with your little winky)...I like playing guitar and can pull off a few things all right, and Chris loves playing drums...if you've ever seen him when he and Colin switch on part of 'Sweet Home Alabama' you will see this ear-to-ear grin on his face as he plays, haha. Colin mentioned once that he would like to play bass for one song, and he can play bass a little (as much as I play guitar or Chris plays drums), so that leaves just...Oz. Hmm, maybe we should leave him there on acoustic guitar and singing, because I'm guessing we would need at least one person to not totally suck if we switched instruments for one song and keep us on track

So I'm gonna start thinking of a song that we can switch on....maybe some Petty, or some Rush. Well, maybe Rush not so much, haha. If anyone thinks we should try this or have a song in mind, let us know!

the floor is not so comfy

2006-07-18T15:16:00.000-07:00

Well, boys and girls, the movers have come and taken all my crap away...so I'm left in my place until tomorrow with my laptop, modem, pillow, a couple of suitcases, some cleaning supplies, and my trusty black sleeping bag that has been around the world with me. I'm not quite officially out of the Air Force, I get paid until the 27th, but I'm done with work. Kind of a weird feeling...I'm in that weird kind of unsettled transition area between the miliatary era of my life and my soon-to-be-student/rockstar part of my life. Well maybe not rockstar, how about rockmonkeystar?

But I'm finally on the way to Dallas tomorrow, pretty much for good...I have to come back one more time next week for a couple of random things, then it's good-bye AF/Temple and hello you peoples of Dallas. Well, except for the fun-as-hell Temple gigs at Bum's, like next weekend.

Please, do not alert the Dallas Police Department, as I will then have to register myself as a deadly weapon (to the ladies, that is, haha).

See ya around!

Crumbsnatchers

2006-07-13T19:43:00.000-07:00

That's what I like to call little twerps known as small ill-behaved children. I know Oz just blogged (well maybe I should rephrase "just" as he blogs about once per two weeks if we're fortunate) about little kids, but something happened today that almost set me off.

It's not that I don't like kids...but I'm talking about the little terrors who make everyone's life miserable...and their parents do nothing to stop it.

So I'm in Walgreen's looking for a couple of odds and ends and it's right by my place....I'm in the cleaning supply aisle looking for oven cleaner (as I'm moving soon and have to clean my place up, it is not a sterile operating room as some would have you believe) as I don't feel like chiseling burnt crap off the inside of my oven. I see a mother and her little girl nearby, and the mom is paying no attention to her as she runs around pickin stuff up, throwing it back down, and screeching at the top of her voice. Argh. And then this little kid, unsupervised I might point out, comes storming down the aisle I'm in like Godzilla wading through downtown Tokyo. Said little kid reaches out and runs along the aisle with her arm out, knocking about 50 cans/bottles of assorted handy household cleaning supplies onto the floor....then stops right next to me, staring at me. I just wanted to strangle the little turd, but instead I said, "What are you doing? Go pick those up!"

So what does mini-turd do? Punches me in the knee!

Now it didn't hurt, but then she ran off, and I knew what was coming. The Dreaded Mom. Yep, here she comes, in her sweatpant-wearing glory! You know you've all seen her at 3am in Wal-Mart searching through the bargain bins, haha.

She then lectured me on yelling at her daughter....and you just knew what was coming next (if you know me at all, that is...) I just stared at her...then said "well, if you kept a better eye on your brat and if she wasn't running around the store knocking #$^@ off shelves and then punching strangers in the knee, then we wouldn't be having this conversation, now, would we?" She then stormed off in a huff, dragging little Susie Jo Monstertoddler with her.

Now, it's no secret I'm not a huge fan of small whiny children...but what I really dislike even more are irresponsible parents who let their kids run amok and misbehave and do nothing about it. I mean, when I was a kid and I did something like that, damn if my parents wouldn't give me a good whack. And guess what? It worked! Amazing concept. Now I know being a parent can be difficult and keeping an eye on your kid(s) can be impossible 24/7, but come on, at least try, will ya.

I think this would have been a suitable punishment for both parent and kid :)

Touchdown Jesus

2006-07-09T18:30:00.000-07:00

*warning*: the following blog is meant to be light in spirit and semi-funny and NOT meant to offend anyone in any way, shape or form, and we in monkeyshyne respect everyone on the planet Earth, regardless of race, religion, nationality, age, and pickle size.

Well last night, as we were driving back the 1,398.2 miles from Tomball where we had a gig Saturday night, we hit upon an interesting topic of conversation...I won't focus on the hours and hours we all spent in a hot semi-overheating van battling humidity that would fell a mortal man, I'll leave that to someone else. I'll focus on the conversation we had coming back into Dallas at oh 6:30am, and we were all delirious due to lack of sleep, too much Red Bull, exhaust fumes, smokes, chili cheese fritos, Mountain Dew, and curly fries.

Not too far from Chris' house is Prestonwood Church. Apparently this is some huge church (remember, I don't live in Dallas yet and don't know the lay of the land too much) that has thousands of followers, a Starbuck's in the lobby (hallelujah, and pass the skim no-fat latte!) and also a $350, 000 water fountain out front. The place is huge. From a couple of miles off, it no kidding looks like some big football arena. So I ask what it is, and get the rundown on it.

After a couple of moments of semi-religious discussion, we somehow got on the subject of what if Jesus played football....would it go something like this out on the field?

(in the huddle)
Jesus: Hey guys, I think we have the Demons on the ropes...Beelzebub looks tired, and St Peter just burned Lucifer for a 12-yard gain on that last play.
John the Baptist: Yeah, I've been getting open every play, dude.
Gabriel the Angell: Me too! I've been getting off my blocks pretty well, Judas can't keep up with me.
Jesus: All right, we're down by three with a couple minutes left....hey Moses you got anything left in the tank?
Moses: Well, lugging these stone tablets around is getting tiring, but I think I can rise to the occasion one more time, fellas.
Jesus: Cool! ok here's what we're gonna do...you Apostles on the offensive line make sure to pick up the linebacker blitz, I think Pontius Pilate is gonna come around the right side and try to sack me. Abel, you do a 10-yard out pattern and see if you can pull the strong safety Cain over there so we can get Methuselah open...Moses, do you think you can part the secondary one more time?
Moses: Yes, my Lord.
Jesus: Great! Okay we'll call this play Methuselah Goes Downtown 32..let's put it together guys, and win the inaugural Good vs. Evil Bowl...on two, ready ready, break!

...and then Jesus throws a bomb to Methuselah streaking down the field (he's surprisingly nimble and fleet-footed for being 800 years old...I hear he runs a 4.4 40-yd dash). Moses throws the perfect block...Methuselah's headed for the goal...Cain comes in for the tackle, but Methuselah laterals to Jesus! It's the old Hook-And-Holy Ladder play!....and then Jesus is tackled at the goal-line by Satan himself, who had dropped back in nickel coverage! What a finish!!!!

Jesus: I so scored!
Satan: I think not, Son of God...your knee was down at the one!
Jesus: Was not!
Satan: Was too!
The Virgin Mary (referee): I think we'll have to send this one to the replay booth and let the Big Guy look at it.

(everyone waits around impatiently as God views the replay and taps their feet waiting on the Lord Almighty)

God: TOUCHDOWN!
Satan: No way!
God: Hush, or I shall smite thee!!!!

And Good would triumph over Evil and not only win the Good Vs. Evil Bowl, but go on to sign lucrative endorsement deals with Starbucks and live happily ever after.

p.s. all hate mail may be sent to the Starbuck's corporate office, they started this whole weird conversation in the van.

odds and ends

2006-06-29T19:08:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting here starting to go through all of my stuff to see what I want to keep and what I want to toss out before I move to Dallas in a few weeks. I have this nasty habit of keeping stuff for some reason, thinking "hey I might need that someday". Well, guess what? I never did.
Some of the following items were found in various backpacks, junk drawers and boxes...so far:

A flashlight (albeit a cool one) that I was given about 10 years ago...it hasn't worked for about 6 years. I had it when I did all my stints in Bosnia and I was kind of sentimental about it, maybe I was hoping it would magically come back to life in a flash of smoke
A knife with the blade broken in half. I have no idea.
A box of birthday candles, unopened. If you have one coming up, I'll let these go cheap!
About 10 M-16 ammo mags.
A spool of purple thread. I don't think I even want to know. I hope I can chalk this one up to an ex-girlfriend somewhere.
A bunch of markers that don't work.
A deck of cards with "Good Work" written on them. And half of them are missing.
A couple of tshirts I don't remember wearing in the last 5 years. Goodwill here I come.
More dead batteries than I can count
A picture of me playing bass while drunk off my a$$ in Korea...I'll keep it so I can laugh at myself occasionally.
A patch off a Serbian Army uniform. I could tell you how I got it, but I would have to then kill you.
A metal plate with Cyrillic writing on it that I pried out of a Russian anti-aircraft gun.

Some of this stuff I'll keep, as it's kinda cool and will remind me of all the places I've seen and been.

But what I was really REALLY looking for was The Oz's Secret Book of "How To Shop On Less Than $12 a Day", he said he had misplaced it somewhere and asked me if I could take a peek around for it. Sorry buddy.

tick tock

2006-06-25T16:00:00.000-07:00

Wow I am almost done with the Air Force....I have another couple of weeks of work left and that's it. 13 years, 4 months, and 10 days will be the official count when it's all said and done with...that's a long damn time. When I started out, it was more for a change than anything, I thought I would do 4 years and that would be it...well, one thing led to another to another to another. So my time is winding down, kinda like a clock about to strike midnight.

But this means me getting to move to Dallas soon, which will be good for a lot of different reasons. But one of them I am most looking forward to is I will not spend anywhere near as much time in my car as I have been. Now, I like my car, it is pimptastic and has cool things like heated seats, automatic steering wheel memoryy, hydraulic cupholders, among other things. And it's fast. But man, the driving is getting old. Just the other day I thought I saw some road workers putting up a road sign that said "Dallas - Temple: The Westheimer Memorial Hwy" which made me kinda nervous, because usually "memorial" implies that the object that is memorial is usually dead, haha.

Anyway, what is up with gas prices??? Seems like one minute gas is $2.61 a gallon, then I turn around after watching The Family Guy and now it's $2.90??? what the? Are oil executives playing wheel of fortune with gas prices? "Go ahead, Jimmy Ray Exxon, spin the wheel and let's see what super duper unleaded is gonna be today?"

And why am I paying 15 cents per kilowatt hour for electricity in Texas, where a lot of the oil refinieries are, and my mom is paying like 7 cents in northern bum$%^ Minnesota where there is a noticeable lack of oil refinieries? Huh, TXU are you listening??? Bastards.

I think I will spend the next couple of days planning on how to build my own pocket-sized nuclear reactor in my spare bedroom, haha.

See you in Wichita Falls next Friday!!!!

smooches, your favorite (and better be ONLY) bass player,
MSgt (for a couple of more weeks) Westheimer, USAF

this week, on The Twilight Zone....

2006-06-21T18:59:00.000-07:00

Well, I have returned from my venture to the Great White North, aka Minnesota, where I had spent a week relaxing in the non-98 degree heat and visiting with friends and my mom and stepdad. It was great getting up there for a bit, but now I'm home and ready to get back to some monkey-bidness.

There was some Twilight Zone definitely going on on this trip though. I had a connection in Cincinatti on the way up....so as I'm walking off the plane, fooling with my cellphone and not really paying attention to much other than nor running into a trash can or a post, I notice out of the corner of my eye two women looking at me, one about my age (you know, like 24) and one a bit older....I keep walking, playing the text message game when I hear "Keith? Is that you?". I look up....holy crap. It's my ex-girlfriend Shannon who lives in Louisville, Kentucky who I went out with for a couple of years, we split up 5 years ago....but here she was, with Mom, on her way to NYC for the week. Kinda cool, we all got a cup of overpriced coffee from Starbuck's and caught up...we split after about 20 minutes, and as I walked away I thought, 'what are the odds of that happening?"

Fast forward a couple of days...I'm now in Minneapolis, Minnesota at the Mall of America, the biggest mall in the country...I'm in Old Navy with an old friend who lives in Minneapolis, coincidentally named Shannon (or is it coincidence? do dee doo doo, do dee doo doo) and I hear a guy's voice say 'Keith?" and I ignored it, I thought it was someone talking to someone who worked there, but oh no....it was Will, the floor manager from Bum's in Temple, where we often play (like this Fri night), he was by pure random coincidence up visiting family in Minnesota and Wisconsin. And I run into him in Old Navy, a store I never go into....hmm, strange things are afoot.

So what are the odds of both of those happening, much less within a couple of days? I kept waiting for my ex-wife, who I haven't heard from or seen in going on 6 years and have no idea where she is, to jump out from behind some bushes and say 'surprise!' the thought of which kinda scared me, so I had to sleep with the lights on for the rest of my trip, haha.

anyone else have some crazy coincidental 'it's a small world' kind of stories?

home's where the heart is....

2006-06-14T11:58:00.000-07:00

Sorry about slacking on my blog, I know a lot of you leap joyously out of bed each and every morning to see if yours truly has come up with some new random genius/idiotic ramblings and dash madly to your computer. My apologies.

We had this upcoming weekend off, so I cashed in some of the 2.7 million frequent flyer miles I had racked up due to work over the years and flew 'home' to Minnesota. Now, I'm originally from Texas (Houston aka Swampy Muggy Crime-Ridden Hell), but lived for several years in Minneapolis...gradumacated high school here, got arrested for the first time here, went to college for a couple of yrs at the U of MN (go Golden Rodents! I mean, Gophers), so even though I'll never live here again as I can't deal with 4 or 5 months of near-arctic weather conditions in the winter (any place you might have to plug your car in for the engine block heater to keep your oil from freezing into a sludge block is too cold for me), I do have kind of a warm spot for the place.

My mom and stepdad live waaaaaaay up in northern MN, like 70 miles from the Canadian border...now, I'm a city boy to the bone...but there's something about sitting on their deck looking out over the lake they live on as the sun goes down with a tasty adult beverage in hand, thatis just extremely peaceful and calming. Nice to get away from the hustle and bustle and traffic of the city once in a while. Not to mention I take their kayak out on the lake for hours, and cruise the backwoods on the 4-wheeler trying to hurt myself and find the biggest mudholes I can find! haha.

And some of my oldest friends live up here, peeps I've known for 15, 16 years....so its always nice to hook back up with them whenever I come to town. So it is chill and relax time, this way my batteries will be fully charged by the time we hit Wichita Falls on the 30th!!!! Break out the Chili Cheese Fritos, Falls here we come.....

well so much for that

2006-06-08T15:55:00.000-07:00

As you may have noticed, in a Shiner-induced fit of brilliance/stupidity I created an auction for me NOT to go to any Mavs games, as I seem to be Bad Dallas Sports Juju. Well, I let the auction run for a few days on a lark, and I got 4 bids, the highest being 30 cents!!!! Wow thats more than I was really expecting. I would like to point out that my boy Colin bid first, so Colin...you had me at 'hello'. (good game).

But I had to take it down, I was getting swamped with emails. Most of them were funny, like 'hey why don't you buy my husband and I tickets then since you can afford them, and you stay home and watch the game?" or "you're the man!" and we all had a good laugh, because that's what the whole point was.

But I got a few nasty ones, which kinda surprised me, the basic gist of them was "you're an #$%hole". I mean, come on, you actually took the time to write me that and tell me something I already knew? haha.

So Operation Keep Keith Away From the Mavs is over...I suppose I will just watch the game from the comfort of home, go Mavs! Shaq ain't got nothin!!!!

oh, it is SO ON!!!!!

2006-06-05T18:17:00.000-07:00

This is what happens when I drink beer and am bored in front of the computer, haha.

My auction for me to NOT go to a Mavs Finals Game!!!!

bad juju

2006-06-05T16:06:00.000-07:00

Okay, as Colin blogged about earlier, he, I and "The Oz" got tickets from our new bestest friend Chuckliff to the Desperados playoff game Sunday afternoon. I had never been to an Arena Football League game, but it was a riot...lots of good hits, great catches, so on and so forth....and guys...if you haven't seen the Desperados Dancers, you NEED to put it on your Things-To-Do-Before-You-Die List, haha. But I digress....

The Desperados got toasted by the team from Orlando....if they woulda won, they would have gotten to go to the Arena Bowl in Vegas, which would have made Chuckliff very VERY happy as he is one of the Desperados photographers...sorry, buddy...but Tyler is a close second to Vegas, you down??? But then I started thinking....I have been to two sporting events in Dallas: Games 6 of the Stars series against the Avalanche, which they lost in OT, and now the Desperados playoff game.

So maybe I am Bad Dallas Sports Playoff Juju...so my new plan is to post an auction on eBay to sell myself to NOT go to any Mavs home games during the Finals! I will keep you posted, and please feel free to bid, haha.

please do not send flowers

2006-05-31T12:28:00.000-07:00

Unbeknownst to may of you, The Oz suffered a terrible accident this weekend....he apparently got near a keyboard to his computer so he could write another fantastically witty and riveting blog and guess what happened??? The Oz is allergic to blogging!!! I mean, that could explain why he blogs about as often as the Texans actually win a football game, which is sad to say, not terribly often. Maybe he knew subconsciously that his head would swell to the size of a basketball and he would break out in a chicken pox-like rash.

The Oz after his allergic reaction to his computer!

Poor The Oz. He loved blogging so...I guess he'll have to enroll himself in CRAB Anonymous (Can't 'Rite Another Blog), the poor bastard. Please do not send flowers, as although Oz is girl-pretty and loves daffodils, he's also allergic....please send cash donations to aid in his speedy recovery to your truly, and I will make sure cough cough that it gets to him to aid in his return to society. It better be speedy, as we're playing Friday night in Denton at the Garage!

shaked and baked

2006-05-30T16:50:00.000-07:00

As in "shaked" = Chris and I not being very sober most of the weekend, and "baked" = waaay too much sun, although neither of us got too crispy and burned on our annual Memorial Day trip to Padre. Much fun was had, although I discovered that drinking 4 Bahama Mamas (yes I know a chick drink but man this little bar on the beach serves 'em up STRONG) and a bunch of beer in the space of 4 hours right when you get there is not very conducive to late night partying, wow I was hurting.

If you read Baldilock's blog, he boasts of being undefeated in Bocce Ball for ONE day...yes, he and Bob-o, our good buddy, beat me and my partner Ken on a last-ditch throw, but I will point out that Bob-o carried Chris on his back for the final rounds and they beat us at the last second on the strength of Bob-Os skill, haha. And make sure to ask Christopher who spanked his butt the day before in Bocce. That's right, yours truly. So it is all even until next year, 1 game apiece.

But the weekend was good, a nice chance to get away and have no real worries other than "where's my sunscreen?" and "why is my beer empty?" for most of the weekend. But I think we're all ready to get back to being on the road, so hey hey I think we're out in Denton at The Garage this weekend (Tyler is next weekend, Chris, doh) so come out and bask in the presence of Oz and Colin and the Bocce Ball Studs, Chris and I.

p.s. don't forget to send Colin some love, apparently he lost by ONE VOTE to Chris, Oz, and I in the 'who's the studliest monkey?' contest. I hear he could use some love (and light oil massages) from the ladies to help soothe and dull his grief =)

totally irresponsible time

2006-05-25T21:39:00.000-07:00

Well, kids, it is time for the annual Padre Run...if you don't know what this is, it's where Chris and I and his wife Amy and a slew of other fine people head to South Padre on Memorial Day Weekend and embark on a long, winding, and entirely non-sober stress-reliever weekend. We leave tomorrow, so yes, we have packed the sunscreen, the volleyball, the suntan lotion, and our inflatable horsie swimmy toy and are heading out in the early morning. Chris' wife Amy is coming too, one of her purposes, I think, is to make sure Chris and I don't roul afoul of the wonderful and pleasant South Padre law enforcement folks...she was successful last year (barely....thanks Chris) and hopefully she will keep is in line again, haha.

Here are a few pics of Padre Run 2005....I will say that we always drank responsibly, never drove anywhere whatsoever, and never did anything silly. Ahem on the last one.

So if you notice a lack of blog entries for a few days, well, you'll know where we'll be...either in jail, or acting like...well, like drunken monkeys.

if you looked really closely....

2006-05-23T08:55:00.000-07:00

....you would have seen yours truly come off the bench last night in the Mavs' win against the Scrubs, I mean Spurs, haha. I may only appear to be 6 feet tall, but it's just a trick of lighting and I slouch when I play, I'm really 6'11". I am a baller from way back, I used to school Shaq when we were kids, but then he started stealing my lunch money for extra portions of meat loaf and taters at the school cafeteria and he bulked up, the little dirtbag. I'll see him in the Finals and we'll talk who's the boss.

But anyway, right when it looked like the Spurs were gonna pull it out, Avery said, "Keith, get in there! Make Papa proud, or I will force you to listen to Air Supply for three days straight!" and as that made my stomach churn, I went out and threw down the game-winning monster dunk...the rest is history.

we're on a roll

2006-05-21T09:21:00.000-07:00

As you all may know, the monkeyboys have been on a roll lately, and no I don't mean like a biscuit or croissant, although I know some of you ladies may like the mental image of the four of us buttered lightly and sandwiched between two flaky layers of buttermilk biscuits, haha. Where did that come from? Anyway we played at Bum's down in Temple last night...which on the surface you might say a) Temple? Where the hell is that? Isn't that some little town near Austin? and b) the place is called Bum's? Nice.

But it is one of our favorite places to play. There is almost always a terrific crowd, no matter how big or small, but last night was a great one! And then there's the fact that the management and waitstaff all think we are sorta swell (or at least they pretend to), and that coupled with a group of friends that always comes out and likes to try and make us sloppy drunk, we got a lot of free booze. I mean like a lot. We had already done a round of JaegerBombs and Christian and I had already put away a couple of beers, when one of the waitresses comes up and plops 4 more Bombs down and like 6 more beers not 5 minutes later....you see how difficult it is leading a rock-n-roll lifetsyle???? Of course, being the kind and courteous rockers we are, we oblige and make those tasty offerings disappear. I think I had like 7 empty beer bottles on my amp and two full ones I hadn't even gotten to when the evil Will (manager at Bum's) came and pried them out of my hands in case the cops showed up, there's this annoying Texas law about not drinking in a bar after 2am, damn you, you politicians...this is the 21st century!!! So to all the fans and employees of Temple and Bum's, we so salute you.

And so our streak of killer shows goes on...so to anyone who made it out last....you rule. And so we are still on a roll, although I much prefer biscuits myself. But "we're on a biscuit" just doesn't have the same ring, you know?

this just in!

2006-05-15T21:45:00.000-07:00

Due to some internal bickering (I told Oz that I would not, repeat NOT rub flavored baby oil his wounded hip flexor) and arguing (Colin and Chris could not agree on who the most badass Mighty Morphin' Power Ranger was....I hear Chris voted for pink though) we have decided to shake things up a bit. So starting next weekend, we have decided that since we are immensely talented musicians, that we would play a series of shows with each of us playing a different instrument....

First there is Chris....he has long had string-is envy with my bass, and I will just keep it PG-rated at that. Something about more wood...I just don't know what he meant. But here he is, letting his inner Geddy Lee out! I think Chris looks pimptastic in black. Kind of like a sinister bald Gene Simmons, huh? Chris is ready to rock 'n roll all night! Especially if he and Colin get to spoon in the van on the way home from gigs.

And then we have The Oz....long has he watched Colin pound and bash on his drumset, not to mention his admiration for Colin's clever and thoughtful dynamics and double-bass pedal work...so now he gets to pound the skins! Go Oz go!!!!! Not to mention he will have a full unobstructed view of all of our butts as we play, and I think he is stoked about this, but shh, keep that quiet.

For a long time, Big Colin has pined for the chance to let his soft inner delicate side show and croon some sweet, sweet love songs to all of the ladies in the limelight instead of being trapped behind his drums....it looks like his dream has come true. Look at how sensitive and emo he looks here, aww ladies I know you want some of that!

And last but not least, yours truly, your friendly neighborhood bass player. Seeing as the bass is the true foundation of any band (as any bassist will tell you, and we are right at least 4 out of 100 times) I have no real desire to play guitar or sing, it goes against my non-primadonna nature. But man do I like pimp in all white. So pimp that I appear to be rubbing my own ass because I can't keep my hands off myself!!!

So there you have it. Come check us out work some magic and our next few shows, you will be in for an unforgettable show!

p.s. I would like to point out that the word 'unforgettable' does not necessarily mean "good", hahahaha, but I digress.

crunchy cheesy chili-y sloppy goodness

2006-05-14T10:55:00.000-07:00

As previously discussed, the secret is out that I have this thing for Chili Cheese Fritos. It's almost a borderline addiction, like cops with donuts, government employees with coffee, and drummers with midget porn...I mean, we're talking serious stuff here, like maybe I need an intervention or something.

So off to Wichita Falls we go this weekend to the Iron Horse Pub, and you just knew that when we stopped for gas before we left Dallas that I was going to magically be drawn to that magic 99-cent bag of chili crunchy tastiness....yep, the Chili Cheese Frito "Grab Bag". I mean, I couldn't help myself...due to my Frito-induced berserker madness, I failed to notice an important fact that I'll discuss in a sec.

Man, I tore into those chips like a guest on Jerry Springer on her baby's daddy, I mean I was all over 'em. I think I ate half the bag in 12.7 seconds. And then the best part, getting to lick the chili cheese crumbs that stick to your fingers off when you're done.

Then I look at the bag, admiring it's golden yellow and deep brown chili-ish hues...and I notice the freshness date. No way. I show it to The Oz, who was giving himself a pedicure at the time and ask him if this says what I think it says.

Keith (K): Hey Oz...what does this say for a freshness date?
The Oz (TO): Umm, looks like....July '04. Wow.
K: Are you sure it's not July 4th?
TO: Uh, I don't think so.
K: &%$!@#.

So hopefully I don't get the bird flu or some other weird disease from eating 2-year-old Chili Cheese Fritos. It would be tragic to be done in by the thing I so love. Wish me and my health luck this week!

p.s. Dear Racetrac gas station on Hebron Parkway...I am so gonna sue you.

the band that time forgot

2006-05-11T08:56:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago I was looking through my pictures I have on my computer, some of them are REALLY OLD pictures I had scanned in once upon a time....the boys and I were talking not too long ago about old bands we had been in, and the old hair-bands or metal bands that were big when we were learning how to play, like Stryper, Cinderella, Iron Maiden, old Metallica, Judas Priest...so when I found this picture of my very first band I ever played in back in 1989 and 1990, it brought back fond memories of....OVERBOARD. Yes, I was in a cheezy band called Overboard. We even had our badass logo painted on a bedsheet, complete with an anchor (which has nothing really to do with being Overboard, but it is boat-related, and I think that was close enough for us).

Wow, check out my hair! My glorious free-flowing feathered mullet...at least I didn't have more chest hair than a small Grizzly Bear like Chris did...but check out the cool pointy-headstock bass, the chicken legs, and yes of course the mandatory Ozzy t-shirt! How sweet is that shirt???? Not to mention I think I was 6 inches taller than anyone else in the band. We played such glorious tunes as "Into the Fire" and "Breaking the Chains" from Dokken, "You Got Another Thing Comin'" and "Livin After Midnight" from Priest and I think we did some Barry Manilow covers too. All right ladies I know you are now drooling at the mere thought of getting near me and being so close to my former mulleted glory, but please restrain yourself, there is only so much of me to go around.

Well, crap.

2006-05-08T11:20:00.000-07:00

Normally I don't do this, I keep my myspace blogs and the ones here on monkeyshyne.com completely separate, but this one warrants being posted in two places, to me...not saying what I have to say is that important in the grand scheme of life, but to me it is, at least on this one....

(from my myspace blog)
"I was catching up with my buddy Ray yesterday on msn messenger, we're Air Force buddies from way back....he came in the service right after me, and was in the class a couple behind mine in Airstrikes-R-Us School we both went to to initially learn the basics of our job...we didn't really know each other back then, but later when we got to be friends we also realized that we had also been at the infamous-in-USAF circles OL-H almost at the same time, the indoctrination course for becoming a Pararescueman....neither of us made it for various reasons all the way through pipeline of schools you have to go to (Indoc at OL-H is one mother of a course, trust me), but we had some shared memories of it.

So he asks me if I remembered an instructor there named Maltz...the name rung a bell but as it's been 13 years, I couldn't remember exactly who he was, until Ray said "he was the mean sonofabitch who always brought his Rottweiler into the class or dorms and scared the shit out of everyone". Oh yeah, now I remember. I hated the guy. He flipped me and my mattress out of the top bunk at 4am in the morning once, onto the floor (ouch) and all I remember was going 'what the f$x' and remember the dog staring at me like it wanted to have me for a 4am light snack.

We both agreed that we hated the dude.

But then Ray tells me that he bought the farm in Afghanistan in 2003 in a helicopter crash. What a crappy way to go. 8,000 miles from your friends and family and loved ones, and you get done in because the helicopter you're on breaks in flight or you get shot down by some bearded dude who doesn't speak English and hates you becase, well, who knows why, I'm leaving politics way out of this.

A little about MSgt Mike Maltz

We then kind of solemnly agreed that hating him was kind of pointless, and had been a waste of time, in the end. Everybody's got their place in the cosmos, and hate is a waste of time. And everyone is someone's husband or wife, son or daughter, brother or sister, and regardless of whether you agree with the circumstances that people are dying in, in the various spots of the world we're involved in, that should stop and make you think.

Another mutual friend of Ray and I's, Dennis Hay, died last year in Iraq. Ray knew him a lot better than I did. He had cross-trained out of our career field into Pararescue, and then had switched to the Army to be a chopper pilot...he was shot down and killed about 7 months ago.

So whether you agree with what's going on over in the Middle East or not, take a second or two to think about someone you may know who might be over there, and wish them a safe return.

Marauder 04, out."

Just some food for thought.

Anyway, I am off to Fort Sill, OK today here in a couple of hours for a couple of days of blowing stuff up on the bombing range, yeehaw! I will then be stopping in Dallas on my way back, so to the great fans of WF, we'll be seeing ya on Friday night at the Iron Horse, word! And then back to Dallas to play at Click's on Saturday night.

Computers, tacos, and serendipity

2006-05-04T21:47:00.000-07:00

Okay, first off I just took a good look at the picture I randomly posted in my last blog...if you look really close at the sign the guy is holding it says 'pay tomato pickers'. I didn't realize that picketing Taco Bell would really be an effective forum to raise public awareness about the financial compensation of aforementioned tomato pickers, I mean c'mon when you and I go to Taco Bell we want some tacos or chalupas or enchiritos RIGHT NOW and I will mow over any fool with a sign that stands between me and sloppy taco goodness.

Anyway I digress (again...I seem to be Captain Random lately). Speaking of random, I have 83 days left in the Air Force! I'm stoked. And 39 of that is vacation time. And that's including weekends. SO I probably have about 28ish actual days of work left, although I will get paid for 83. Ahh, if it only worked like that all of the time.

Crap, I randomed off again. My computer, which I have had since early '04 and has been a trusty steed, is being kind of fruity. Besides the fact that I could read a fair-sized book in the time it takes to boot up, it's just doing odd stuff. Like my printer mysteriously not printing random documents, or it freezing on simple applications, or it just refusing to run iTunes right. I've alternated between talking to it in a calm, soothing, encouraging voice ("c'mon baby, you know that laptop ain't got nothin' on you and your motherboard") to vaguely threatening it ("I'm gonna reprogram you with a large hatchet"). So the evil thought that I may have to replace the CPU someday crept into my mind. Which I hate, because it's a pain in the ass to transfer over all of your files and songs and stuff, not to mention that when you buy a computer for say $1200, approximately 6.3 days later the same computer is on sale for $700. Then when you go to the store to say 'hey I want my $500 because you just put this on sale" they pull out same paper with a clause on it that says "Dear computer buyer, we have you bent over the barrel, so get used to it ahhahaha, I mean, we sincerely regret being unable to pricematch or return any money due to the competitive nature of the computer industry".

And on a final note....a minor miracle occurred this week, for lack of a better term. A terrific person and friend I had lost touch with got a hold of me out of the blue, one I hadn't talked to in years (unfortunately). So here's to you, you know who you are. Thanks for finding me.

the wonderful world of crappy fast food

2006-05-01T16:37:00.000-07:00

So I found myself cruising around today at lunch trying to figure where I wanted to eat...I didn't have much time today so I had to settle for some junk fast food. So I start running through the list of places around the base I work at (nearly every fast food chain known to man has a place near Fort Hood, it seems) and I realized that I really like some of the stuff. I mean, it's totally rotten for you, but what the hell....so here are some of my favorites at my favorite places:

- Wendys....double cheeseburger meal, no lettuce tomato or onions (I always order that way, dont like lettuce or tomato and I'm allergic to onions, so we'll just assume everything is ordered that way for brevity's sake), and if I'm really hungry, an order of nuggets too with honey mustard sauce.
- Whataburger: Same thing, or their 3-piece chicken tender meal with white gravy and toast, I ate this Saturday.
- Toxic Hell, I mean Taco Bell - usually a #8 combo (three soft tacos) with a spicy chicken burrito, no pico sauce
- Chick-fil-A - good ole chicken sammich with cheese, fries, and an iced tea
- Arby's - Big Montana with curly fries, I opted for this today
- Jack-in-the-Crack - either a sourdough burger combo with curly fries, or a load of tacos no lettuce
- Subway - 12-inch tuna on wheat with pickles, spicy mustard, salt and pepper with some form of chips

of course there's more, but those are the main ones....I figured my cholesterol would be high after thinking about how much bad stuff I eat, but it's actually right smack in the normal category, so I will continue to eat away until that changes.

So what are some of your gotta-have fast food meals? I'm dying to know. No, really I am!

Notes to self

2006-04-28T06:30:00.000-07:00

10 random thoughts as I sit here drinking coffee, in no particular order.....

1) Staring off into space at the ceiling of the Curtain Club while starting a song is generally not a good idea, as one tends to screw the intro up.

2) For some reason, frisbees are a whole lot more exciting to dogs than tennis balls.

3) Coffee is the best thing in the world...if I could live off of it and not die, I would.

4) Left front half-axles for Audis are really expensive. Stupid Germans (well I have just cursed my ancestors).

5) Our van is the biggest ghetto-fabulous crapomatic hunk of rolling metal on the planet, possibly. But I will still shed a tear when it goes to the Big Junkyard in the Sky.

6) I wonder how a Rage Against the Machine song would sound acoustified.

7) I don't ever really get nervous on stage anymore...I remember the first gig I played with monkeyshyne at the Ridglea Theater in Fort worth, I almost peed on my own foot I was so nervous, haha.

8) I walked in the other night at Chris's house to see him with shaving cream all over his head....was kinda funny but scary, if you didn't know what he was up to.

9) Be really careful when dealing with Verizon's internet department, they are boneheads beyond description apparently.

10) Speaking of dogs, why do some dogs bark like it's going out of style and others just don't bark hardly at all?

Anyway....my time in the Air Force is winding down, I think I officially have 90 days left, and I have 40 days of vacation, so my time is REALLY winding down. I am so stoked to get away from it, it's been a fun but draining ride of 13 years. Some parts of it I'll miss, like the travel and meeting a lot of cool people, but a lot of others I won't miss, to include travel to combat zones (see pic) and some not-so-cool people.

my ass in Afghanistan...literally.

I'm part excited, part scared shitless....I mean, I haven't had to look for a job for 13 years, so I'm sure I will commit some heinous faux-pas during some interview, which I will have to compensate for by leaping over the desk and applying a pressure-point choke hold on the interviewer til he/she goes unconscious and forgets my faux-pas. And then I will call back a few days later and say "hey Bob, really enjoyed the chance to talk with you the other day, I got the job, right? RIGHT? What? DON'T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE AGAIN. By the way, is your life insurance paid up? I would hate for your wife and kids to be destitute and living in a refrigerator box in an alley when you're gone. What? Oh was just idly wondering. SO WHEN DO I START?!?! That's what I thought, and while we're at it I would like a raise, even though I haven't started yet. And a corner office. And a secretary. Maybe even your office and your secretary. Great, I'll be in for my first day on Tuesday, be cleaned out by then."

Wow, I have no idea where that came from. Me and the boys will be drinking a few tasty Ziegenbock's tonight at the Garage in Denton, we'll be playing a badass acoustic set all night, swing by and hang with us and I will promise not to knife anyone with a spork from an MRE, haha. No seriously. No sporks. See you there!!!!

Well....

2006-04-23T20:30:00.000-07:00

I can't POSSIBLY outdo Colin for a wacky headline after his latest one, go see for yourself.. I'll just stick with "Well....."

I think I had quite possibly one of the best damn meals I've ever had in my life Saturday night at Shogun in Wichita Falls...Johnny worked some hibachi magic and just tore it up, I mean he made Tom Cruise from Cocktail look like a pantywaist. Oh wait, Tom Cruise IS a pantywaist....photographic proof! Although apparently he has Dark Jedi Powers, so I won't talk too much smack about him before he turns me into a fire hydrant in the middle of a dog kennel, that would not be a good thing.

Anyway, Johnny cooked us one helluva meal, and the show that went with it was amazing. I mean seriously, if you're ever in Wichita Falls you gotta go see him do his thing at his restaurant Shogun. Frigging amazing. And the food is outstanding, you will not be disappointed.

I also noticed, that while I was driving the Monkeyshyne van to Wichita Falls (which is always a hair-raising experience, you always wonder if something is going to explode on it at any given minute) that I was eating Chili Cheese Fritos again on the way to Wichita Falls. Does Frito-Lays have some space beam shooting subliminal messages to me to eat their Chili Cheese Fritos on the way to WF? Or maybe it's just Tom Cruise using his Evil Jedi mind tricks on me already.

So we get this great pic of us from the other night after we were done tearing it up...I thought "hey that's a cool picture of us and Ginger and Steph (some of our biggest fans) and then I notice COLIN TRYING TO TONGUE MY EAR!!! So if you come and say hi to me at a show and you notice a thing of rat poison in my right ear, you'll know I'm trying to deter his deplorable behavior. Drummers...can't take 'em anywhere! (just kidding, brother).

We'll be back in WF on May 12th at the Iron Horse....so you know that if you look real close, you will see Chili Cheese Frito crumbs on me somewhere. Damn you, Tom Cruise.

when is it ok to set your car on fire?

2006-04-19T16:52:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been having all sorts of pain-in-the-$%# problems with my car....it's been a good car, and it's pimp, I mean come on I even have rear heated seats (also known as 'toasty asswarmers') and it's so smart that when you roll the window down when the stereo is on, it automatically boosts the treble so it sounds just like the windows are still up. And it's fast, just ask Harley Chris (nothing like drag-racing down Belt Line Rd at 2am to 90mph). But good lord, what else can go wrong. I mean, I drive a lot for work, and then drive back and forth to Dallas every weekend almost, so I'm not too shocked I've gone through three sets of tires in two years, so I just got new ones. But now I have this front-end vibration between 60-75mph (where I do a lot of driving) and I find out I need a new front left half-axle...of course, this being a European Money Pit that just sounds expensive, and it was. Manageable though, more of a pain than anything else....I thought to myself the other morning that if I came out one day and it had burned to the ground mysteriously I wouldn't have been too awful upset. But then I had to talk to it in a soothing reassuring voice so it didn't get mad at me and launch a wheel off while doing 80mph down the interstate, the finicky little tramp, I mean great car!

So what do you think....should I keep it, as it's almost paid off, or think about getting something else? And if something else, what would be a potential future Keithmobile? No fruity-looking hybrid cars that look like a jellybean either, a man has to have some pride when he rolls.

awk-warrrrrrrrrrd

2006-04-17T15:39:00.000-07:00

Good God, is it hot. My car informed me at was 102 degrees out, this was shortly after I had discovered I had melted to my seat. My car then informed I should buy gold as the market was looking up, I think my car has delusions of grandeur and might quite possibly be smarter than I am. I'm pretty sure I could take it in Double Jeopardy though.

Anyway, we were total rockstars this weekend...we played at Heather and Graham's wedding reception/party (congrats again, suckers!) and we all had a good time. I don't quite think Chris got the hint though when we kept sending him off to get more beer, or some cake, or that tasty bread with Parmesan...even when we did it in the middle of the song he didn't catch on....

Oz: (playing guitar) Hey Chris?
Chris: (soloing), What it is buddy?
O: Hey, umm...could you go get us some fresh towelettes? It's hot up here.
C: But I'm wanking on a solo right now....
O: You know I hate when my palms get damp and sweaty, Christopher.
C: But...
O: Damp is bad! Go now, or I shall smite thee! Buddy.
C: Okay, buddy, I guess you're right....(exits stage forlornly)

...and coincidentally Graham would just wander onto the stage and jam out on his custom Brizendine Uke-acoustic. And then we would change our name on the backdrop when Chris wasn't looking....
Of course there was that awkward moment when Chris would walk back up to the stage with a handul of moist towelettes with a confused look on his face.

Chris: What's that?
Keith: What's what?
C: Umm, THAT. 2 Live what?
K: Errr....hey thanks for the towelettes! You're such a buddy. Graham, give Chris his guitar back, it's not nice to rub the back of his Gibson on your bare belly.
Graham: Awwww....okay.
C: What??????
K: Uhhh, hey nice shirt Chris, you look pimp tonight!
C: Huh? What the %^& is going on?
K: I don't know what you're talking about....hey I'm outta beer wanna go get us two more pal?

and so it continues....more to follow on Big Trouble in Little Monkeyland.

what the?

2006-04-13T21:11:00.000-07:00

Apparently Chris' hair-trigger temper and deep-seated subconscious desire to wear leather and sing in a falsetto have gotten the best of him, and he has decided to follow in Rob Halford's footsteps (in more ways than one, from what I hear). So everyone bow your heads, and try to catch as many gigs as you can with Chris before he leaves to go form Wyldd Wikkyd Evvyl or whatever consonant-challenged band he's going to play in....

...and let's welcome Graham, shall we? Can he cut it as the newest monkeyboy? Only time will tell....although we have to apparently break him of him thinking that his alter-ego is "Breathie Smurf" and find him a good Blue Face Support Group....

4 out of 5 doctors recommend

2006-04-12T12:28:00.000-07:00

So I was watching a commercial this morning for some new toothpaste, and it said "4 out of 5 dentists recommended" this toothpaste....so I started thinking about all those commercials we see that claim something like that, along the lines of '4 out of 5 proctologists' recommend Preparation H for your personal issues....

...so what if we got our own commercial like that? It would go something like this:

Doc (D): Well, Mr. Smithsonian, what seems to be the problem?
Patient (P): Doc, I feel like crap. My job sucks, my dog died, and my wife just left me for the cable guy.
D: Well, that sucks.
P: Gee thanks, Dr. Obvious.
D: I mean, seriously, that sounds like you could write a country song about that.
P: Umm, yeah.
D: Well, I have just the thing for you....some monkeyshyne! Take two and call me in the morning. It IS recommended by 4 out of 5 doctors for general lifesucksitis.
P: Wow! I think I'll do that. Thanks!!!
D: That will be one million dollars and fifty cents, please.
P: Huh?

The world would be a better place....

5 things....

2006-04-09T22:34:00.000-07:00

...that I thought about or noticed on the way to, from, and at Click's in Tyler this weekend....

1. For some reason it struck me as odd that Oz was eating a "Mr. Goodbar". I'm not sure why.
2. Colin's cymbal stands were bouncing around on the drum riser like little kids on crack. How one of them didn't fall over is beyond me.
3. If someone is dumpster diving at the Wal-Mart off of 80 in Forney, be careful about picking up any new-looking boxes, and you can thank Chris and Big C.
4. Jaeger Bombs at Click's. Much Jaeger. Not very much Bomb.
5. Oh...Mr. State Trooper in the gas station? Might want to work on that 'I'm nonchalantly watching you guys" act. You were so busted.

Anyway, I've been helping out Colin spiff the monkeyshyne myspace page up, he runs it. I switched some of the pics up for something different, but one of the ones we got from our CD show at the Firewater....thought it was a good pic of us getting ready to tear it up. Just thought I'd share.

Hog wild.....

2006-04-03T18:10:00.000-07:00

Had a great weekend this time around, we played down in Temple, TX on Friday night, it was good to see a lot of familiar faces out there. Everything was kinda quiet for the first few songs, then Baldilocks AKA Chris decides to bust out "Family Tradition" from Hank Williams Jr and the crowd goes wild and stays wild, we have a blast, so to Alicia, Dan, Jenny, Bones, Mikey, Brandy and everyone else who made it out, thanks for making it a helluva time. Oh, and Oz? Sorry about braining you with my guitar. Good game though, buddy.

So Sat night we play down in the Deep Ellum Community Music Festival in Dallas....we're down setting up at 9, no one's there at the Liquid Lounge, we're thinking this just might suck a bit...but then suddenly the flood gates opened and we have this big crowd. Chris announces we're doing 'Family Tradition' and you can hear this groan "noooooooooooooo" but man, once we started eveyone is singing along and getting into it. Another really fun set, I did not want to get off the stage after our 40min set was up.

So to everyone who made it out and went 'Hog Wild'....you rock.

Playing the rental car game

2006-03-29T16:22:00.000-08:00

Today I had to drive down to Austin this morning and turn in the Keithmobile also known as the Silver Bullet also known as German Money Pit to the shop to get some work done...seems like it was time for a new water pump and timing belt, get my rims rebalanced and refinished, and fix my suddenly broken power driver window, which decided to stick down in the middle of a rain storm the other day, it was terrific getting soaked while inside the car let me tell you.

Anyway, so I have a rental for a couple of days. Normally this would not be a big deal, but a situation almost arose today on the way home from work.

I will explain....here is the normal Keithmobile, complete with a badass V8:I point out the V8 because when I push the big pedal on the right, it tends to go forward rather quickly, kind of like Chris Farley going after a cupcake.

Now here is what I have for a rental: A fabulous Hyundai Elantra. Nothing against Hyundais, but when one is accustomed to a big German rocketsled, one is kind of underwhelmed by the performance characteristics of said Hyundai

Let us compare one more vital stat: Audi horsepower =318. Hyundai horsepower = somewhere in neighborhood of 130. Umm that is a 3:1 ratio.

The reason I'm getting to this is because today, I pulled out onto a road with a semi about a block or two off....I think nothing of this. Until I push the big pedal on the right. And nothing really noticeable happens. Luckily, something wakes up in the engine after I about put my foot through the firewall smashing the gas down, although I did see "MACK" in the rear view mirror a lot closer than I really wanted to.

So beware switching cars and not thinking about it, or you may end up as a new bumper ornament for a vehicle much larger and heavier than you.

I'm baaaaaack.....

2006-03-25T09:34:00.000-08:00

Well, I don't know if that's really newsworthy or not ("blind squirrel finds nut, news at 11....") but the monkeyshyne boys have their bass player back....I missed the hell out of playing bass with these guys, so seeing as I'm moving up to Dallas in a few months, coupled with me having a ton of vacation time, well it's been going kick-ass so far.

So anyway, last night we headed down to Deep Ellum and watched a bunch of different bands play....Some good, some not so good, some great. And it just got me thinking about how these guys and girls work their asses off to put on a show for us, the audience, rain or shine. People think that a band just shows up and their gear is magically on stage, they rock out, shake some hands, then that's it. One thing I've found out is that for every hour you spend on stage, there's probably twenty spent writing songs, or practicing, or lugging around a thousand pounds of gear and equipment, or eating chili cheese fritos while driving across north Texas at 3 am in a half-black, half-white 1987 Custom Crapomatic Ford van....it's a lot of work, to go with the moments of fun on stage.

So bring yourselves down to Deep Ellum next weekend....the Deep Ellum Community Music Festival is on Saturday night, and you get the chance to see 35 different local bands at 8 different bars...some of these bands kick ass! Frolic is doing their CD release, FFTN as well I think, Josh Goode, Sidekick Mafia, the list goes on...oh, and we're there as well, at 9 at the Liquid Lounge. Come out and support the local music scene instead of staring at MTV cycle their 8 videos of generally talentless bands endlessly....there are some kickass bands in your own backyard.

check out the festival's site at http://www.myspace.com/communitymusicfest

And to everyone I've seen again since I came back....good to see you again, and glad to be back.

Welcome

2006-03-24T11:49:00.000-08:00

My name is keith AKA boy wonder and Mr. Ed, from there we can go anywhere...